NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back with TWO jokes in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com! Here's the link: Newsday


Britney in the Hospital
In light of her continued erratic behavior, North Hollywood police have taken Britney Spears to the UCLA Medical Center for psychiatric evaluation. Of course, if they're going to start arresting every celebrity who exhibits odd behavior, L.A. is going to have to build a lot more hospitals.

Spears is actually staying in a room next to her ex-husband Kevin Federline, who coincidentally was in the hospital at the same time getting treated for syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia and genital warts.



Soc Gen CEO Safe
Despite a trading fraud scandal that cost the bank more than $7 billion, France's Societe General is vowing not to fire its CEO. Of course the French have been celebrating failure since World War II.



GOP Debate
In last night's GOP debate, the candidates fought over who was most like Ronald Reagan now. The argument was eventually won by Mitt Romney when everyone realized he was dead.



Post-Edwards Battle
Now that John Edwards is out of the race, the Clinton and Obama campaigns are fighting over his suddenly available fundraisers. But the real battle is over who's going to get his hairdresser.



China Weather
A surprise wave of cold weather in China has paralyzed transportation, frozen the power grid, and forced thousands of factories to shut down... thus saving the lives of millions of American children who won't be getting the poisonous toys the Chinese aren't making right now.