Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Mubarak's "Kindness"
Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak says he instructed border guards to allow Palestinians from Gaza into Egypt... he just neglected to give the same order to the barbed wire and concrete walls.

It's not clear whether Gazans poured into Egypt to get food and fuel or just to be first in line for the $19.99 rocket-launcher doorbuster sale at the Cairo Wal-Mart

Rice Advice
Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice is urging Israel to avoid a humanitarian crisis in Gaza by finding different ways to punish Hamas. For example, nothing hurts a murderous terrorist more than no TV or Nintendo for a week.

Top 10 Condi Rice "Alternative" Punishments for Hamas

10) Make all terrorists write: "I will not fire bombs into Israel" 1,000 times on the blackboard.

9) Make Hamas members get a paper route to pay for all those Israeli windows they've broken playing "rocket ball" with their friends.

8) From now on, they can't just kidnap BBC journalists, they actually have to listen to them too.

7) Force worst militants to give Suha Arafat her daily spongebath.

6) Have Hamas leadership personally taste test all new toys made in China.

5) Teach them a lesson by taking them out back and making them smoke all their firebombs until they get sick of it.

4) No more burning tires for no reason until they clean up all the tires they burned for no reason last week.

3) Three words: Lather, rinse, repeat.

2) If they're going to fire rockets, then they have to have a rocket for everyone else in the class.

1) Clean and press every one of Mahmoud Abbas' 1,500 designer suits.

Ledger Dead
After being found dead in his Soho apartment, actor Heath Ledger's family called his death "tragic, accidental, and really coming at a bad time to try to sell a suddenly vacant condo in this market."

No Grammy Pickets
Striking Hollywood writers have decided against picketing the upcoming Grammy Awards, which would have required them to do the impossible task of pretending to care about the Grammys.

Pfizer Pflops
Pharmaceutical giant Pfizer announced plunging earnings numbers today. But it forecasted much bigger profits for the rest of year, as millions of Pfizer investors will need to take more drugs to get over these losses.


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