Romney Wins
The good news for conservatives is that Mitt Romney is back in the presidential race after winning the Michigan primary. The bad news for conservatives is that to win, Romney had to become a Democrat.

Mike Huckabee came in third in Michigan, mostly because most of the state’s Evangelical voters moved out of Michigan when God decided to forsake Detroit in 1968.



Dem Debate
Barack Obama apologized for “overzealous workers” who had injected the race issue into the Democratic campaign. From now on, he promised his staffers would no longer point out the fact that he’s black and Hillary is an alien.

Open Field
With no clear presidential frontrunner for either party, experts believe anyone could end up the winner in these elections… except of course the American people.



Gaza Violence
While Israeli troops were arresting and killing leading terrorist figures in Gaza yesterday, Hamas gunmen shot and killed a volunteer farmer near the Gaza border. In response, European governments are calling for a war on farming.




U.S. Baby Room
The U.S. birthrate is now at a 45-year high. Experts blame a decline in contraceptive use, a drop in access to abortion, and crotchless panites.

The rising American birthrate is expected to keep growing… unless the Hollywood writers go back to work and give everyone something else to do at night besides having sex.



Fun with Headlines!



USA Today: “Militants overrun military base in Pakistan”, (yeah, a military base is no place for militant people)



New York Times: “Protesters and Police Clash in Kenya”, (when they all showed up wearing the same color, everyone was REALLY embarrassed)