Hillary Wins
Hillary Clinton shocked the pollsters and won the New Hampshire primary... but it's not clear what Satan is getting in return.

The ramifications of the New Hampshire results are far-reaching. Obama now needs to campaign harder in Nevada, Mrs. Clinton will get more donations, and everyone in New Hampshire is going to have to give Oprah her stuff back.



McCain Wins
John McCain scored a decisive victory in the Republican primary, possibly convincing Mitt Romney that he needs a little something more than just money and hair.



Bush Trip
President Bush's Middle East tour presents several challenges for the region. For example, providing security for President Bush is expected to cost Israel $25,000 per hour... while trying to kill President Bush is expected to cost the Palestinians $30,000 per hour.

With the stock market tanking and the primary elections getting nastier, President Bush is actually just going to the Middle East to find some peace.



Met Director Quits
Philippe de Montebello is stepping down as the director of New York's Metropolitan Museum of Art. After 30 years of working at the museum, he finally got tired of having to put on a different little metal badge every God-damned day.



Another Bhutto Jumps In
Benazir Bhutto's son, Bilawal Bhutto Zardari says, "politics is in my blood." And just to make sure, Al Qaeda is offering to provide Pakistanis with plenty of samples of his blood in the coming weeks.