Zoo Attack
A tiger escaped from its pen at the San Francisco Zoo Tuesday, killing one man and injuring two others before police shot it dead. Zookeepers say the tiger was enraged after not getting the day off for Christmas.




Ancient Mummy
Scientists in Egypt believe a mummy they're working on is most likely the female pharaoh Queen Hatshepsut, who ruled for 20 years 3,500 years ago. But they are already 100% sure the body is that of some powerful female politician, because it was found wrapped in a pantsuit.



New Investigation
Roger Clemens' attorney says his firm is launching its own investigation into allegations the seven-time Cy Young winner used steroids. He will desperately be searching for anyone in America who doesn't think Clemens took steroids.






Weak Shopping Numbers
Initial reports show that shopping figures for this Christmas season were weaker than expected as more Americans spent their holidays on selfish pursuits, like being with their families and giving to charity.



Hitler Comment
Will Smith is angrily denying he ever told a tabloid reporter that Hitler was a "good person." But Mel Gibson is still planning on casting Smith in his next 12 movies.



Call Center Woes
Studies show an ever-growing number of female call center employees in India are suffering from more cases of sleep disorders, heart disease, and schizophrenia as they continue to try to pretend they have Southern accents and their name is "Annabelle."



Illegal Immigration Down
Reports show that illegal immigration to the U.S. is down 33% over the last three months as potential Mexican workers are facing reduced home construction, tougher border patrols, and too many reality shows on TV of the writers' strike.


Illegal Immigration Down
Reports show that illegal immigration to the U.S. is down 33% over the last three months. Lou Dobbs is declaring victory and is now taking on global warming.