New Citi CEO
Citigroup has hired Vikram Pandit as its new CEO... this despite the fact that he has slightly less personality than a Citibank ATM.



Mitchell Report Latest
In preparation for Thursday's release to the public, MLB lawyers were studying former Sen. George Mitchell's long-awaited report on steroid use in Major League Baseball... not because they're worried about lawsuits, they just want to make adjustements to their fantasy baseball teams before everyone else.



Fed Rescue
Heeding Wall Street's desperate cries for help in the credit crisis, the Fed is moving quickly to inject more cash into the system. This should soothe most brokers who were running out of the $100 bills they use to snort cocaine.



Banking Relief
The recent Fed moves prove that there is nothing this government fears more than a recession, a banking collapse, and another whiny on-air outburst from Jim Cramer.



Rice Raps Israel
Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice on Tuesday rebuked Israeli officials for plans to expand a Jewish settlement in East Jerusalem. Apparently the new settlements are a big slap in the face to Palestinians who aren't sure they have the manpower to blow them up.

Rice objects to the settlement plans, not because it threatens the peace talks, but because most of the new settlers are buying apartments with subprime loans.



Hillary Problems
With Barack Obama now leading in the polls in Iowa and New Hampshire, Hillary Clinton's campaign is resorting to desperate measures. Fundraising efforts are gearing up, anti-Obama attack ads are being produced, and Bill is sleeping with twice as many women to help Hillary regain the "sympathy vote."