NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com! Here's the link: Newsday


Mall Shooting
Yesterday's mall shootings in Omaha have Americans asking a lot of tough questions like: Where did the teen shooter get his gun? Did he exhibit any danger signs in previous years? And why couldn't he have killed some of those idiots last month who lined up for door-buster sales at 3AM?


Subprime Plan
President Bush is outlining his plan to help subprime mortgage borrowers keep their homes. But most of the plan involves asking debt-strapped Americans to commit identity theft.


Romney Speech
Presidential candidate Mitt Romney is set to give a speech imploring Americans not to vote based on his Mormon faith. If only he had given this speech a few weeks ago, Marie Osmond might have won "Dancing with the Stars."

Romney Speech II
Presidential candidate Mitt Romney is set to give a speech imploring Americans not to vote based on his Mormon faith. But he does think Americans should vote based on which candidate has the best hair.



Ski Route
A cross-country ski trail linking Massachusetts to Quebec has finally been completed. But the route is already plagued by millions of slow-moving elderly Americans looking to buy cheap Canadian drugs.



Teen Pregnancy
The birth rate among teenagers 15 to 19 in the United States rose 3% last year. Most of the pregnant couples met in those new White House-funded abstinence-only sex ed classes.

Teen PregnancyII
The birth rate among teenagers 15 to 19 in the United States rose 3% last year, the first increase since 1991... just before Vanilla Ice helped turn off teenage girls in a trend that lasted more than a decade.



Shuttle Launch Scrapped
NASA has canceled today's planned launch of the shuttle Atlantis. Apparently, it was harder to find a cheap gas station than they thought.