Pipeline Explosion
A huge explosion has shut down a major oil pipeline from Canada to the United States. Millions of tearful Americans are already mourning the lost oil at churches and synagogues across the country.

The pipeline explosion has claimed 302 lives; that's two pipeline workers who were on the scene, and the 300 gas station owners across the country who fell off of ladders as they rushed to raise prices before the morning rush.


GOP Debate
The Republican candidates sparred bitterly over abortion during last night's debate as they each claimed to be the most "pro-life." Most of the candidates did so by promising to try to overturn Roe v. Wade, but Rudy Giuliani improvised by impregnating three women in the audience.


Strike Ends
The Broadway strike is over as stagehands and producers made a deal late last night. So from now on, anyone you see singing and dancing on the streets outside the theater is actually a crazy person.


Stagehands include carpenters, electricians, lighting technicians and the 10-15 guys it takes to clean off Rosie O'Donnel's chair after every performance.



iPhone Sales
New sales figures show that the Apple iPhone is not selling as well in Europe as it is in the United States... mostly because no one wants to talk to Europeans.


Debate Cancelled
Because of the writers strike, CBS has cancelled the televised Democratic presidential debate scheduled for December 10th. As a result, Americans have never been more pro-union than they are right now.