Vick Behind Bars
Michael Vick turned himself in to federal authorities in Virginia today. He is expected to stay in prison for at least a year... or until someone figures out how to beat the Patriots, whichever comes first.



No Pardon Yet
The White House has yet to carry out the traditional "pardoning" of the Thanksgiving turkey. The turkey is apparently having trouble paying its legal bills.

The turkey is scheduled to be waterboarded until it gives up all it knows about bird flu.

The good news is the turkey will eventually be pardoned. The bad news is it will now be forced to live the rest of its life at Gitmo.



Insurance Companies Snagged
The nation's insurance companies are reportedly suffering huge losses in the subprime mortgage mess. Finally, some good news is coming out of all of this!



Slower Internet
A new report says that broadband internet service will become as slow as dial-up by 2010. The porn industry is responding by hiring more elderly stars.



"Freak Dance" Ban
More high schools are banning the super-sexy "freak dancing" at proms and other events. It's not that they don't approve, it's just that they're all running out of the free condoms and birth control pills they've been handing out for years.



Sex Survey
A new survey shows that more women aged 55 and older are having sex than in the past. But that may be because in the past, 55-year-old women didn't answer questions about their sex lives.