OJ Trial
O.J. Simpson will stand trial for his Las Vegas hotel room break-in. But the trial date is being delayed to accommodate the striking late-night comedy writers.



Terror Imam
A British court ruled today that radical Muslim cleric Abu Hamza al-Masri can be extradited to the United States... which is good because if he stayed in Britain, he'd probably be elected Prime Minister.



A-Rod Comes Back
Alex Rodriguez has defied his own agent and will sign a new $275 million, 10-year deal with the Yankees... ensuring the Yankees will not win the World Series for another 10 years.



Dem Debate
The Democratic presidential candidates are debating tonight in Las Vegas... the audience will be made up of tourists who couldn't get Celine Dion tickets.

The candidates are expected to address several issues during the Las Vegas debate, including terrorism, the economy, and whether or not you should hit on 16.



LAPD Terror Plan Shelved
An LAPD counterterrorism plan to map out local areas which might be likely to become isolated and susceptible to "violent, ideologically-based extremism" has been shelved. It turns out all the cops already knew where Hollywood is.



Chinese Product of the Day
Used condoms are being recycled and made into hair ties and rubber bands in China... don't even ask what they're putting into hair gel.

... somehow lead poisoning doesn't sound so bad anymore.