Putin Named
Vladimir Putin has been named Time Magazine's "Person of the Year"... actually that was a typo, it was supposed to be "Poisoner of the Year."



No Bear Bonus
After a terrible year for the brokerage firm, Bear Stearns CEO James Cayne says he will not take a cash bonus this year. This would be a huge story if Cayne hadn't been stoned when he said that.

No Bear Bonus II
After a terrible year for the brokerage firm, Bear Stearns CEO James Cayne is forgoing a cash bonus this year. He is, however, asking for $30 million worth of bongs and rolling papers.



Another Spears Baby
Britney Spear's 16-year-old sister Jamie Lynn is pregnant. Child welfare officials in all 50-states have been alerted and are already on-call.



Hillary Surges
Elderly support has surged for Hillary Clinton in New Hampshire, giving her a bigger lead over Barack Obama in the polls. Apparently this is because Oprah comes on during nap time at most of the state's nursing and retirement homes.



China Buys into Morgan
China is investing $5 billion in Morgan Stanley. After making a fortune manufacturing posionous toys, it looks like the Chinese are now interested in toxic investments.