NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com! Here's the link: Newsday


Mitchell Report
Major League Baseball will release the Mitchell Report today, which will include names of the players linked to performance-enhancing drugs... but to make it shorter and easier to read, the report will actually just contain the names of the players NOT linked to performance-enhancing drugs.


As if baseball fans weren't dealing with enough bad news... the investigators who worked on the Mitchell Report are now looking in to what's really in those ballpark hot dogs.



Clemens to be Named
ESPN reported this morning that Roger Clemens will be one of the stars named in the Mitchell Report. Clemens responded by beaning ESPN.

Clemens to be Named II
ESPN reported this morning that Roger Clemens will be one of the stars named in the Mitchell Report for using steroids... crushing news to the 3 people in America who didn't already know Roger Clemens was using steroids.



Ike Turner Dead
Ike Turner has died at the age of 76. Unfortunately for Ike, every woman in Heaven already has an order of protection against him.



Foster's Lover
Jodie Foster is publicly acknowledging her lesbian lover. John Hinckley is responding by shouting: "NOW you tell me?!?"