Thursday, December 27, 2007

Bhutto Killed
Former Pakistani Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto has been assassinated. Citigroup is using the news as an excuse to announce another $20 billion in mortgage related writedowns.

Bhutto Reaction
The White House is expressing its deepest regret over the assassination of Pakistani opposition leader and former Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto... especially since millions of Americans may now stay home to watch the news instead of getting to the mall and using those gift cards right away.

Bhutto Reaction II
Bhutto's assassination is raising terror alert levels worldwide, sending stock markets lower, and increasing the wait time for a cab in Midtown Manhattan by 10-15 minutes.

Top 5 Suspects in the Bhutto Assassination

5) American mall/campus shooter with bad sense of direction

4) Disgruntled car service driver

3) Bhutto's former Harvard suitemates

2) Sole-surviving, and yet still disgruntled, Muslim hairdresser

1) Jimmy Hoffa

eHarmony Deal
The online dating site is offering free logins for the next week... because when it comes to dating, we all make our best decisions around Christmas and New Year's Eve.

Abbas Demand
Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas is demanding Israelis stop building more settlements on the West Bank... mostly because real estate prices are depressed enough without all that new construction.

Mall Killer History
The teen gunman who fatally shot eight people in a mall in Omaha earlier this month tried to kill himself by swallowing about 30 pills nearly two years earlier. This is why parents should encourage their kids' hobbies at the youngest possible age.


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