Primary Day
Thousands of Floridians are lining up to vote in today's presidential primaries... but about half of them are just confused senior citizens who think they're waiting for the early bird special.


Bush's Call
In his State of the Union address, President Bush urged Congress to boost the economy in this "period of uncertainty"... and Congress immediately acted by declaring another war.

President Bush also promised to keep America safe from violence... so he's trying to negotiate a peace agreement between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama.



Ted Still backs Obama
Ted Kennedy is standing by his decision to endorse Barack Obama for president. The 60's were pretty fuzzy for Teddy, so for all he knows, Obama might be his son.



Wal-Mart Cuts Prices
Wal-Mart has announced that it will chop prices between 10 to 30%. Wal-Mart realized its customers needed a price break when it noticed that most of them were starting to have trouble complying with the store's "no shirt, no shoes, no service" policies.



Britney Sees a Shrink
Britney Spears is reportedly seeing a psychiatrist... and that would be encouraging news if she weren't also reportedly seeing UFO's, the tooth fairy, and Casper the Friendly Ghost.



Foreclosure Numbers
A new report says that more than 1% of all U.S. households are in some stage of foreclosure... the other 99% are only statying in their homes because they can't think of another place to put their flat-screen TV's.