New Plan
Senate Democrats are now demanding that the economic stimulus package include special payments to seniors on Social Security... so the money gets to at least some people who actually vote.



Mozilo Givebacks
Countrywide Financial CEO Angelo Mozilo says he is forfeiting $37.5 million in severance pay, $400,000 in annual salary, and 10 of his 25 paid weekly visits to the company tanning salon.



Mormom Leader Dies
Gordon B. Hinckley, president of The Mormon Church, died Sunday evening at the age of 97. Cause of death was diabetes, cancer, and Mitt Romney's poll numbers.



Elephant Attack
A wild elephant in southern China attacked an American tourist this weekend. The elephant was apparently furious over the falling dollar and all those toy recalls.



Super Bowl Tickets
The average price of a scalped ticket to the Super Bowl is $4,300... but the average price of a scalped ticket AND a good excuse to tell your wife why you spent so much money for a damned football game is $5,300.