No Winner
After dozens of primaries, the Democratic presidential race is still undecided. This is what they get for turning the nomination process over to the BCS.


In the last two weeks, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama have spent $21 million in TV ads alone. But since that money isn't coming from taxes, they're just not enjoying it.


With the Super Bowl over the writers strike still on, Clinton and Obama have been reduced to spending all that TV money for ads during re-runs of "Mama's Family."



McCain Solidifies Lead
After last night's Republican primaries we can clearly say that John McCain has the title of frontrunner, Mike Huckabee has the title of spoiler, and Rush Limbaugh has his head in an oven.


McCain was most popular among Republicans concerned about terrorism, Romney grabbed the support of conservatives worried about higher taxes, and Huckabee won the battle for people who think they see the image of Jesus in their grilled cheese sandwich.


Al Qaeda Message
Al Qaeda has just released a new radio message calling for more insurgent attacks in Iraq, terrorist attacks in Europe, and bashing John McCain for not being enough of a conservative.



Workers Work Better
U.S. worker productivity rose a strong 1.8% at the end of last year, mostly because the economy is so bad, no one is wasting time at work checking their stocks or real estate values online.


Vietnam Rat Meat
Rat meat is becoming one of the most popular dishes in Vietnam. Either the population is trying to save money or everyone is just training for "Survivor."



Blue Eyes
A new study shows that everyone on Earth with blue eyes descended from one man. This also means that there is someone who had sex with more women than Wilt Chamberlain.