Thursday, May 31, 2007


I am a finalist for an LA Press Club award for my weekly comic strip, "Schmooze or Lose." Here is the link with the info, scroll down to "editorial cartoon" to see all the finalists names: L.A. Press Club Finalists

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and! Here's the link: Newsday

Top Auto Plant Doomed
It turns out that one of auto plants GM is slated to shutdown was the most productive car-making factory in North America. It's proof once again that working hard and efficiently is no match for being willing to get paid three cents a day.

TB Man Moved
The man infected with tuberculosis who traveled on several flights anwyay, has been transferred to Denver's National Jewish Medical and Research Center. Of course, a Jewish hospital is the best place for a guy like him to get cutting edge medical care and the scolding of his life.

Potter Park
A "Disney-like" Harry Potter theme park is planned to open in Orlando in 2009. Of course, there already is a place that's been completely taken over by Harry Potter attractions, it's called "Barnes & Noble."

Bee Favorite Shocked
National Spelling Bee favorite Samir Patel was surprisingly ousted from the contest today after misspelling a word in the 5th round. Patel was later seen leaving the competition with several organized crime figures.

Spammer Arrested
A 27-year-old man described as one of the world's most prolific spammers was arrested in Seattle Wednesday. He faces several years in jail for the horrific crime of forcing millions of people to learn how to use the "delete" button.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Bryant Demand
Kobe Bryant is demanding to be traded from the Lakers... something that will be a little difficult since he's the only player on the team.

Married Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez was photographed spending the night and entering a Toronto hotel last night with a buxom blonde... and I thought he had trouble hitting curves.

TB Traveler
The man infected with a drug-resistant form of TB knew he was not supposed to travel overseas but did so several times anyway. Of course, anyone crazy enough to fly on the airlines these days probably doesn't care about anything anyway.

Lost Whales
Two lost whales last seen near the Golden Gate Bridge slipped back into the Pacific Ocean overnight. Marine biologists had been trying for two weeks to get them back into the ocean, but a few minutes of seeing what was going on in downtown San Francisco finally did the trick.

Thompson in the Race
Republican Fred Thompson will enter the race for president, despite the fact that most Americans only know him from his role on "Law and Order." Of course, Democratic front-runner Hillary Clinton is mostly known from her recurring role on "Desperate Housewives."

Iran Nukes
Two Iranian diplomats say Tehran recently considered a partial suspension of uranium enrichment... but decided against it when they realized all they really want to do is scare Jews.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Chinese Official Sentenced
China has sentenced the former head of its food and drugs agency to death for corruption. He will be executed by being forced to eat some locally-produced dog food.

Sheehan Quits
Cindy Sheehan, who camped outside President Bush's home in Crawford, Texas, throughout August 2005 to demand a meeting with the president over her son's death, is quitting the peace movement. She now plans to camp outside her local Home Depot until she finally gets help from someone who works there.

More Planets
Planet-seekers who have spotted 28 new planets orbiting other stars in the past year say Earth's solar system is far from unique and there could be billions of habitable planets. Oh great, like real estate prices aren't depressed enough.

Lohan in Rehab
Lindsay Lohan is back in rehab. In a cruel twist of fate, the roads are finally safe again but no one can afford gas.

Anti-Chavez Protests
Venezuelan police fired tear gas and plastic bullets into a crowd of thousands protesting President Hugo Chavez's decision to force an opposition television station off the air. It's not that the people want real democracy, it's just that that station was the only one that doesn't broadcast "The View."

Disney Accident
Five Walt Disney World visitors and an employee were injured Tuesday after a water ride that simulates a trip to a rain forest river malfunctioned. As they do whenever there are problems with the rain forest ride, authorities are blaming global warming.

Creation Museum
A museum that tells the Bible's version of Earth's history — that the planet was created in a single week and dinosaurs were on Noah's Ark— attracted thousands to its opening Monday. Experts scoff at the dinosaur theory, but SOMEONE had to have eaten the unicorns.

Monday, May 28, 2007

Gas Prices
The price of gas actually fell by two cents across the country this weekend. Yeah, but I thought we couldn't define infinity minus two.

Memorial Day NYC
This Memorial Day weekend in New York was marked by parades, fireworks, and remembrances of a time when the Yankees didn't suck.

U.S.-Iran Talks
The U.S. and Iran held their first formal talks in 27 years Monday... but the discussions broke down when the Iranians refused to accept America's insistence that the world is no longer flat.

NFL Player Dead
The body of New England Patriots player Marquise Hill was found Monday after a jet ski accident on Lake Pontchartrain, Louisiana. There are many unanswered questions, but ESPN is only trying to find out whether he was on his way to a dog fight.

Kevorkian Getting Out
"Dr. Death" Jack Kevorkian will leave prison this week after serving more than eight years of a 10-to 25-year sentence. Kevorkian's voluntary suicide cause has flagged over they years in the U.S., but he has huge future as an executive with al Qaeda.

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Memorial Day Checkpoints
This Memorial Day weekend, police are setting up checkpoints on highways and side roads all across the country. It's all in the hope of protecting America from Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton.

Lohan Cocaine
Beverly Hills police say they found cocaine in Lindsay Lohan's car after she crashed her Mercedes early Saturday morning. This is one spoiled rich kid; she can afford cocaine and a tank full of gas!

U.S.-Iran Talks
The U.S. and Iran are about to hold their first formal diplomatic talks in 27 years. Iran will be represented by some of its most distinguished ambassadors, and just to make it even, we're sending Don Imus.

Triple Amputee Doctor
Kellie Lim, who became a triple amputee at age 8 because of bacterial meningitis, is to graduate from UCLA's medical school on Friday. Her story is inspirational to everyone, except Arab terrorists, who just can't understand why she didn't just blame the Jews and blow herself up.

Triple Amputee Doctor II
Kellie Lim, who became a triple amputee at age 8 because of bacterial meningitis, is to graduate from UCLA's medical school on Friday. Her story is inspirational to everyone, except Paris Hilton, who's still really angry that the media is paying attention to someone else.

Indy 500 Winner
Dario Franchitti is the winner of this year's shortened Indy 500. They had to shorten it because no one could afford any more gas.

Johnston Okay?
A Palestinian official says BBC Gaza correspondent Alan Johnston was alive and well and will be released by his terrorist kidnappers soon. It turns out that no matter how badly they treated him, the BBC couldn't possibly be forced to be more anti-Israel than it already is.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and! Here's the link: Newsday

Immigration Bill Points
The most controversial part of the new immigration bill assigns points based on skills. Immigrants get 10 points if they have an advanced science degree, 20 points if they have technical experience, and 500 points if they can vacuum a room faster than the Roomba.

Summer War
President Bush says this summer will be crucial for his Iraq war strategy... mostly because "American Idol" is over and people will probably start paying attention again.

Hamas Roundup
Israel has arrested 33 Hamas legislators in retaliation for continued rocket attacks from Gaza. The good news for the detainees is that while they're in Israeli custody, their odds of not dying in attacks by Fatah shoot through the roof.

Virgin Shark Birth
A female hammerhead shark in a Nebraska aquarium has given birth apparently without any contact with males. Scientists aren't sure if this is really a virgin birth or just what the shark told her parents.

April Home Sales
New home sales rose sharply in April, thanks to better weather and the fact that most houses are now cheaper than a tank full of gas.

Dell at Wal-Mart
After shunning retail stores for years in favor of online and phone sales, Dell will now sell its computers at Wal-Mart. Going to Wal-Mart is just like trying to buy a computer from someone in India: no one there says anything you can understand either.

American Idol Winner
Jordin Sparks became the new American Idol Wednesday night, briefly bringing American together after it was once again torn apart by the Rosie O'Donnell-Elizabeth Hasselbeck war.

Old Mom
A 60-year-old New Jersey woman has given birth to twins. For the babies' sake, let's hope she doesn't mix up their diaper cream with her Ben Gay.

Experts say this event has redefined age in America. And that's true as this proves you don't have to be a teenager to do something really stupid.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Democrats Retreat
Congressional Democrats have finally backed off their demands for a timetable to withdraw from Iraq. If only the insurgents were as easy to defeat as Pelosi and Reid, the war would have ended years ago!

Both sides are declaring victory in the compromise. The White House is happy the timetables were scrapped, and the Democrats are happy that this latest retreat has made them even more popular with French voters.

Hibbert Choice
Georgetown 7-footer Roy Hibbert has announced he's decided not to go to the NBA and will play his senior season.... not so much because he wants to go back to the Final Four, but because it'll be fun to watch when the Celtics lose the shot to draft him next year too.

Palestinian Truce
Fatah and Hamas leaders met in Gaza today to discuss another Palestinian cease fire. The meeting was declared a success when only 5 of the delegates ended up dead or wounded.

Angelina's Goal
Angelina Jolie says her number one priority is to be a "great mom"... and she's going to keep getting impregnated by different men until she gets it right.

Iran Nukes
The International Atomic Energy Agency says Iran continues to defy U.N. Security Council demands to scrap its nuclear weapons program. Iran now says it's all part of its attempts to cut down on harmful carbon emissions.

Coke Thieves Sentenced
Two former Coca-Cola employees were sentenced Wednesday to serve federal prison terms for conspiring to steal Coke's recipe and sell it to Pepsi. Of course if the defendants had stolen the recipe for new Coke, no one would have pressed any charges.

Edwards Attack
John Edwards is attacking President Bush for using the war on terror to justify abuses of power and other mistakes. This coming from a man who still has no excuse for spending $500 on a haircut.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Viagra Study
A new study shows that Viagra might help relieve jet lag... although it's not clear whether it's the Viagra or what people do after they take Viagra that really helps.

Viagra Study II
A new study shows that Viagra might help relieve jet lag. Okay, but if I try it, I'm REALLY going to need a bulkhead seat.

Refugee Camp Conditions
U.N. officials say there is no hospital in the Palestinian refugee camp where the Lebanese army is currently fighting the al-Fatah terrorist group. Palestinian leaders say they wanted to build a hospital there, but their first priority was to produce their own Anti-Jewish childrens TV show.

Abdul Hurt
Paula Abdul's publicist says the "American Idol" judge broke her nose over the weekend after she fell while trying to avoid stepping on her pet Chihuahua. Luckily, Abdul avoided further injuries when the three bottles of Jack Daniels she was holding broke her fall.

Abdul Hurt II
Paula Abdul's publicist says the "American Idol" judge broke her nose over the weekend after she fell while trying to avoid stepping on her pet Chihuahua. She later sustained further injuries when she was trampled by her pet unicorn.

Green Cabs
New York City is phasing in an environmentally-friendly taxicab program. Soon, the only things producing harmful emissions in New York will be the taxi drivers.

Jolie's Year Off
Angelina Jolie says she is going to take a year off from acting. But how will anyone tell the difference?

Jolie's Year Off
Angelina Jolie says she is going to take a year off from acting... but she's still going to fake it when she sleeps with Brad.