Saturday, October 30, 2010

Cleveland Crash
President Obama faced hecklers and spoke to a half-empty arena in Cleveland at a campaign rally yesterday. Experts aren't sure whether it was because of Halloween or because Obama came wearing his LeBron James jersey.

Pot Prop
The latest reports show the proposition to legalize marijuana is trailing at the polls by seven points... not because it's not popular, but because most of the potheads aren't expected to remember where to vote.

Miss World Winner
18-year-old Alexandria Mills of Kentucky won the Miss World contest in China Saturday night. But after winning the crown, the Chinese asked her for help in getting back the $13 trillion they've lent America just since last Tuesday.

Tiger Falls
For the first time in 281 weeks, Tiger Woods is not the world's #1 ranked golfer... but he remains the world's #1 consumer of anti-herpes medication.

McDonald's Partisan
An Ohio McDonald’s owner is in hot water for putting pro-Republican campaign materials in his employees’ paycheck envelopes. Despite the electioneering, Mayor McCheese still trails Grimace in the polls by five percentage points.

November 1st

1179: Philip II is crowned King of France, and de facto leader of the gay community.

1800: President John Adams becomes the first President of the United States to live in the White House… which is slightly less impressive when you realize he still had to take all his dumps outside.

1946: The New York Knicks play the Toronto Huskies in the first Basketball Association of America game… and the last pro basketball game where no player was facing a paternity suit.

October 31st

475: Romulus Augustulus is proclaimed Western Roman Emperor… but the choice is disputed since it was made by the Roman’s BCS computer.

1961: In the Soviet Union, Joseph Stalin's body is removed from Lenin's Tomb. It smells better than it did when he was alive.

1986: The Communist Party of Sweden votes to change its name. It is now known as the cast of “Mamma Mia.”

October 30th

1864: Helena, Montana is founded after four prospectors discover gold there, but not enough to buy a train ticket out of town.

1960: Michael Woodruff performs the first successful kidney transplant in the United Kingdom… but the patient later dies of tooth decay.

1991: The Madrid Conference for Middle East peace opens. Like all such talks, everyone just agrees to blame to Jews and then they break for lunch.

Friday, October 29, 2010

GM Pension Plan
GM is putting $6 billion into its pension plan. It would make more sense to stuff that $6 billion in cash into a Chevy Volt and just leave it in downtown Detroit.

McDonald's Case
A Brazilian court has ruled that McDonald's must pay a manager at one of its locations $17,500 because he gained a lot of weight on the job. Unfortunately, the man now plans to use the money to buy 17,500 Dollar Menu hamburgers.

Nice Photog Pay
A photography teacher at a San Francisco area community college is making $208,000 a year. In his defense, taking pictures of people in San Francisco can leave a person scarred for life.

When Krugman Attacks!
NY Times columnist says the 2010 will be a "catastrophe" for America... mostly because major Republican victories means he won't stop whining for the next two years at least.

Al Jazeera Booted
Morocco has kicked Al Jazeera off the air in that country. The Moroccans say they can come up with their own reasons to hate America and the Jews.

October 29th

1863: 18 countries meeting in Geneva form the International Red Cross… mostly in hopes of meeting some hot foreign nurses.

2004: Al Jazeera broadcasts an excerpt from a video of Osama bin Laden in which he first admits direct responsibility for the September 11, 2001 attacks. 9/11 “truther” Charlie Sheen misses the broadcast because he was too busy screwing a hooker while beating his wife.

2008: Delta Air Lines merges with Northwest Airlines, creating the world's largest piece of excrement.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Hannah Montana Divorce
Miley Cyrus' parents are splitting up. Her mom and dad are both fighting NOT to get custody of her music.

Graduation Surge
The NCAA says football player graduation rates have improved to an all-time high of 69%. The other 31% play for Lane Kiffin.

Favre Wants to Help
Despite having two broken bones in his ankle, Brett Favre says he still wants to help the Vikings beat the Patriots this Sunday. So, he's going to send naked pictures of himself to Tom Brady.

Bud Suit Fails
A group of 10 Budweiser fans have failed in court to try to reverse the foreign takeover of Anheuser Busch. They plan to drown their sorrows in a vat of Schlitz.

College Costs
A new report shows the cost of going to college is going down... especially since most parents are now moving into the dorms to live with their kids.

October 28th

1538: The first university in the New World, the Universidad Santo Tomás de Aquino, is established. And despite being 98 years older than Harvard, its students remain a lot less arrogant and douchey.

1775: A British proclamation forbids residents from leaving Boston. The only other thing that stopped as many Bostonians in their tracks was the Big Dig.

1965: Pope Paul VI absolves the Jews of responsibility for the death of Jesus, but not for the constant teasing he took for buying retail.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Taliban Still Strong
A new study shows that despite an intense military offensive aimed at paralyzing the Taliban, insurgents have largely been able to absorb attacks and stay viable thanks to help from Saudi Arabia, Iran, and Wikileaks.

Sheen Busted
Charlie Sheen was busted at the Plaza yesterday after going on a rampage in his hotel room. Sheen's lawyer says he was having an allergic reaction to prescription medication, leaving millions of New Yorkers wondering which pharmacy in Manhattan is selling prescription cocaine.

Green Toilet Paper
In an effort to be more "green," Scott's is coming out with a new toilet paper roll without the cardboard tube inside. The news comes as a major relief to those who worried the green movement would soon force everyone to re-use their toilet paper at least three times.

Heat Lose!
LeBron James and the Miami Heat lost their season opener last night to Boston. The news was such a shock to the people at ESPN, that they forgot to do a story about Brett Favre for a whole 10 minutes.

Obama "Enemies"
President Obama said in an interview yesterday that Democrat voters need to “punish our enemies.” By "enemies," he obviously means the reporters who keep telling everyone what the unemployment rate is every month.

October 27th

312: Constantine the Great is said to have received his famous Vision of the Cross… his less famous Vision of the red iguana came aftr taking some ‘shrooms during Spring Break.

1553: Condemned as a heretic, Michael Servetus is burned at the stake. Marshmallows are provided.

1806: The French Army enters Berlin… but predictably gets scared in about five minutes and runs away.

Green Dream
A new study shows that 95% of the products that claim to be "green" really aren't... that includes 100% of Democratic candidates.

Soros for Pot
George Soros is strongly supporting efforts to legalize marijuana... which would explain his $17 billion investment in Cheetos.

Chavez's Latest Grab
Dictator Hugo Chavez is taking over an American glass company that operates in Venezuela. It was either that or invest in Sean Penn's next crappy movie.

Obama Comment
President Obama seems to have invoked a civil rights slur when he said yesterday that Republicans "need to sit in the back." I guess he was only talking about Juan Williams.

Alzheimer's and Smokes
A new study shows that smoking doubles your chances to get Alzheimer's... something the cigarette companies are counting on as their best customers keep forgetting the surgeon general's warnings.

October 26th

1977: Thanks to vaccinations, the last natural case of smallpox is discovered and eradicated in Somalia. Somalia remains smallpox free, because nobody there understands the crap Jenny McCarthy is saying.

1979: Park Chung-hee, President of South Korea is assassinated by Kim Jae-kyu, in a desperate battle over the dwindling number of available hyphens.

1995: Israeli Mossad agents assassinate Islamic Jihad leader Fathi Shikaki in his hotel in Malta… leaving the management without anyone to bill for Shikaki’s huge bill for all the dirty movies he ordered on Spectravision.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Food Stamps for Everyone!
California is now encouraging more state residents to use food stamps... at least that'll make it a little easier for the politicians to take the rest of everyone's actual money.

Apple to Buy Facebook?
Apple is considering buying Facebook. The computer company is hoping to take control of the one thing that distracts geeks from camping outside stores waiting for the next iPhone.

Stimulus Spending
Economist Paul Krugman says President Obama should have spent more money to fix the economy. In fact, he says the president would be getting higher marks on the economy if he had just paid off all the economists.

Spending Book
A new book offers advice on controlling spending. But it's not expected to do well, because the first thing it advises people to do is not buying the book.

Tax Cut Compromise?
More Democrats say they're willing to keep the Bush tax cuts for everyone except people making more than a million dollars per year. But if they could, they would just extend the tax cuts for Democrat Senators making more than a million dollars per year.

October 25th

1938: The Archbishop of Dubuque denounces swing music as "a degenerated musical system,” a "primrose path to hell," and “nowhere near as awesome as Snoop Dogg’s ‘Chronic.”

1997: Denis Sassou-Nguesso proclaims himself the President of the Republic of the Congo, after a brief civil war and the fact that all the other candidates were at the all you can eat lunch buffet at Sizzler.

2004: Fidel Castro bans all transactions using the American dollar in Cuba. A similar ban has been in place in America since 2007.

October 24th

1911: Orville Wright remains in the air 9 minutes and 45 seconds in a Wright Glider at Kill Devil Hills, North Carolina… enraging his wife since he never lasted longer than 3 minutes in the bedroom.

1931: The George Washington Bridge opens to the public. And the public still can’t wait to use it as soon as the construction crews clear off.

1946: A camera on board the V-2 No. 13 rocket takes the first photograph of Earth from outer space. Earth later complains the picture was of its bad side.

October 23rd

1935: Dutch Schultz, Abe Landau, Otto Berman, and Bernard "Lulu" Rosencrantz are fatally shot at a saloon in Newark, New Jersey in what will become known as “The What the Hell Happened to my Accountant?” incident.

1992: Emperor Akihito becomes the first Emperor of Japan to stand on Chinese soil. He then pees on it.

2001: Apple releases the iPod, destroying the ability to talk to a teenager ever again.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Unions and Dems
Public worker unions have just spent $87.5 million worth of emergency funds to keep Democrats in Congress. But if government workers really wanted to help Democrats, all they woud have to do is actually work.

Bad Celery
Texas health officials have shut down a produce factory after inspectors found it was produced chopped celery that was tainted with listeria and wasn't already dipped in chilli.

Obama Poll Lows
President Barack Obama's approval rating has dropped to an all-time in the Gallup poll. But his approval rating is at an all-time high among Republicans running against Democrats incumbents for Congress.

NBA Cutbacks?
NBA commissioner David Stern wants to reduce player salaries by 35%, a move that would also reduce paternity suits by 75% nationwide.

Obama "Mistake"
President Obama says his biggest mistake so far has been not taking enough credit for all the great things he's doing... and it's a shame he's never on TV where he could discuss all that.

October 22nd

362: A mysterious fire destroys the temple of Apollo… police still suspect the Men’s Club at the neighboring Temple Beth Israel.

1964: Jean-Paul Sartre is awarded the Nobel Prize for Literature, but turns it down to accept another award for Anti-Semitism.

2006: A Panama Canal expansion proposal is approved by 77.8% of voters in Panama… the others 22.2% voted for another Starbucks.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Ford Air Bags
Ford is going to put airbags in the back seats of its cars. GM is trying to test a competing system, but the UAW has organized all the crash dummies.

Williams Fired
NPR has fired Juan Williams for saying Muslim people on airplanes make him nervous. Williams forgot the part of his NPR contract that specified that white liberals only hire black journalists to make white people nervous.

French Riot Response
In light of continuing riots in France, President Sarkozy is vowing to punish the "troublemakers"... mostly be making them drink poorly aged Chardonay.

Guccione Dies
Penthouse founder Bob Guccione has died at 79. Plans for his funeral have been canceled since everyone can now see his burial for free on the Internet.

Gaga Cancels
Lady Gaga has canceled her concerts in Paris because of the continued rioting there. As a result, decent music lovers are now starting riots in major cities across the world.

October 21st

1512: Martin Luther joins the theological faculty of the University of Wittenberg… and immediately schedules a midterm on Saint Patrick’s Day.

1945: Argentine military officer and politician Juan Perón marries Eva Duarte. The suddenly can’t stop singing or dancing.

1973: Fred Dryer of the Los Angeles Rams becomes the first player in NFL history to score two safeties in the same game. Sadly, this comes 10 years before the release of the hit tune “Safety Dance” which would have been the perfect song to play over the stadium P.A.