Thursday, July 31, 2008

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and! Here's the link: Newsday

American Baggage Snafu
Thousands of American Airlines passengers flying out of JFK Airport are still without their luggage. Apparently American's new policy of charging for extra checked bags wasn't working, so now the airline is just holding them for ransom.

Beijing Air
Concerns are growing that China's poor air quality could affect the Olympic games. Apparently, smog cancels out all the effects of steroids.

Liquid on Titan
NASA has confirmed that Saturn's moon Titan has liquid on its surface... Americans don't care unless that liquid is crude oil.

Illegal Immigrants Go Home
The number of illegal immigrants in the U.S. is falling sharply. The illegals figure that if they're going to get poisoned by tainted Mexican peppers and tomatos, they might as well do it at home.

Olmert Resigning
Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert has announced he will step down in about two months. He will resign as soon as his party chooses a successor and the government can figure out a way to trade him to Hizbollah.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Cheech & Chong Together Again
Cheech & Chong have announced they are getting back together. The plot of their new film will again be about two guys from L.A. looking for drugs... but this time it's cheaper prescription drugs from Canada.

Party School Ratings
The University of Florida has been named the nation's #1 party school by the Princeton Review. It's not 100% clear why, but it may have something to do with the fact that every class has a two-drink minimum.

Union Web Site
The good news for the Obama campaign is the AFL-CIO has launched an Internet site to dispel negative rumors about the Democratic nominee. The bad news is that just like every other union worker, the Web site takes 6 breaks a day and costs a fortune in health care benefits.

Men Happier
A new study shows that men generally become happier than women by midlife... that's because by the time they hit 40, most women start to lower their dating standards.

Delta Defense
The management of Delta airlines was scheduled to appear on the morning news shows today to defend their decision to charge $50 for each extra checked bag... but they had to cancel because their flight was delayed.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Celebrities vs. Cancer
Jennifer Aniston and several other top celebrities are getting together for a one-hour charity TV special in September as they vow to "conquer cancer"... which makes sense, because celebrities have already done such a great job conquering drug addiction, alcohol abuse, and domestic violence.

Obama Veepstakes
Barack Obama is reportedly close to choosing a running mate. The top qualities he's looking for include experience, popularity, and someone who won't block his good side during photo ops.

Fast Food Ban
The L.A. city council is expected to ban new fast food restaurants from opening in South Central neighborhoods. It's all part of L.A.'s brilliant, "keep the poor people hungry and unemployed" policy.

PETA Protest
Animal-rights activists want the U.S. to stop using animals to train its military, calling the exercises are cruel and a disservice to the troops. The Army has agreed and will now train the troops by having them kill animal-rights activists.

Obama Slips
Barack Obama has actually slipped in the polls following his whirlwind tour of Europe and the Middle East. Many of his core supporters are abandoning him after they found out he didn't use a hyrbid airplane.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Snack Prices Soar
Prices for cookies and other sugary snacks have been rising steadily this year. Experts blame higher energy costs and continued terrorist bombings at the "Double Stuff" factory in Nigeria.

America Cuts Back
Due to high gas prices, the U.S. government says Americans have driven 40 billion fewer miles in the last seven months... but as we continue to sit at home going nowhere, at least we know what it's like to be Brett Favre.

Toyota Guides Lower
Toyota is cutting its 2008 sales outlook... mostly because it's getting harder to get to Toyota dealerships with all the abandoned Hummers, Jeeps, and Fords on the road.

Google Challenged
Four former Google engineers are launching a rival search engine that they say is three times better than anything else out there... but they're willing to pull it from the market if the guys from Google just give back the Star Trek action figures they left in their office.

LaBaouf LaBusted
Actor Shia LaBeouf was arrested for drunk driving in Hollywood Sunday... which is a shame since movie stars are the only people who can still afford to drive.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Obama Returns
Barack Obama says his trip to Europe and the Middle East went "really well"... it was the first time he's visited that many countries without being detained by security 13 times.

UPS Driver Honored
To honor his years of service, long-time UPS driver Jeff Hornagold was taken to the cemetery in his UPS truck Saturday. But since no one was home, his body was dropped off at the neighboring cemetery.

Friday, July 25, 2008

China Web Use
A new study shows that China has surpassed the U.S. in web usage. That's 1 million Chinese people using the Internet every day, and 500 million government officials using the Internet every day to spy on them.

Obama Speech
Barack Obama's campaign is calling his speech in Berlin yesterday a success as he attempts to shore up traditional Democratic Party voters in the U.S. Because if there's one thing that puts Jewish voters at ease, it's politicians who make rousing speeches in Germany.

Nursing Home Scandal
Several states are reportedly admitting sex offenders to government-run nursing homes... because if there's anything that makes somebody lose interest in sex, it's living in a nursing home.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Dark Knight Hits $200 Million
The Dark Night has become the fastest movie to make $200 million at the box office. The only people making money faster are Christian Bale's defense attorneys.

Gambler Sentenced
Gambler James Battista has been sentenced to prison for his role in the Tim Donaghy NBA refereeing scandal. He's also getting an additional two years for selling Knicks tickets to a minor.

Ford Losses
Ford posted an $8.7 billion loss in the last three months. The company expects to do better in the next three months by cutting costs and selling their SUV's at Detroit pawn shops.

Olympic Protests Allowed
The Chinese government says it will permit some protests at the Olympics... mostly because coverage of the protests is likely to get better ratings than any of the sporting events.

Minimum Wage Rises
The national minimum wage increases by 70 cents today to $6.55 per hour, meaning Americans now need to work just two hours per day to be able to afford to drive to work.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Hurricane Stronger
Hurricane Dolly has been upgraded to a catagory 2 storm as it swirls above South Padre Island. Of course everything seems to be swirling around faster after you spend a few hours on South Padre Island.

Bush Slams Wall Street
A new video shows President Bush saying our economic woes are because "Wall Street got drunk." In reaction to those comments, shares of liquor and wine stocks are up 15% in the pre-market.

Jobs Sick
Rumors are swirling about a possible illness that has Apple CEO Steve Jobs appearing frighteningly thin. Before that, the only thing that made Jobs and Apple look bad was AT&T.

Mets Choke
The Mets blew a 5-2 9th inning lead last night as three relievers couldn't get anyone out. Apparently the only person who can close out a night properly at Shea Stadium is Paul McCartney.

WaMu Losses
The bad news is that Washington Mutual bank has reported a $3.3 billion quarterly loss yesterday. The good news is the bank still has $3.4 billion in toasters.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Bale Questioned
"Batman" star Christian Bale is accused of beating up his own mother and sister at the film's premiere in London. Bale told police they were wearing so much makeup, he mistakenly thought they were the Joker.

Saving Wall Street
The government has swooped in to protect Wall Street brokerages by making it illegal to sell their stock short... freeing the brokerages to continue selling everyone else's stocks short.

Leno Leaving
NBC has announced that Jay Leno will leave the "Tonight Show" next May. That gives him less than 10 months to start being funny.

Leno is rumored to be heading to ABC... which means America's women can stop pretending Jimmy Kimmel is attractive in less than 10 months.

Karadzic Arrested
Alleged war criminal Radovan Karadzic has finally been arrested after being in hiding for more than 10 years. It's not clear what he was doing all those years, but judging by his appearance he clearly spent some time with Al Gore.

Wachovia Loss
Wachovia Bank says it lost $9 billion in the second quarter of this year... but they're retracing their steps and expect it will turn up sooner or later.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Gitmo Case
The first war crimes trial at Guantanamo has begun with a not guilty plea from a former driver for Osama bin Laden. The Bush Administration is charging him with aiding terrorism, the Democrats are charging him with not using a hybrid vehicle.

Obama in Iraq
Barack Obama has arrived in Iraq where he is talking with U.S. troops. The meeting began on a bit of a sour note when Obama made it clear that he didn't approve of their use of handguns.

Iraq Pullout
The Iraqi government says it's hoping for a U.S. troop withdrawal by 2010... as long as we take them with us.

Icahn is In
After months of bashing the company, Carl Icahn has just been given a seat on Yahoo's board. It turns out you can get those computer geeks to do anything if you promise to stand on line for them when the next iPhone comes out.

Dark Knight Record
The Dark Knight shattered box office records, raking in more than $155 million in its opening weekend. Of course with what movie tickets cost now, $155 million at the box office means only about 100 people saw the film.

Dark Knight Record II
The Dark Knight shattered box office records, raking in more than $155 million in its opening weekend. The other movie studios are responding by producing their own superhero movies and casting as many suicidal drug addicts as possible to play the villains.

Mamma Mia! Record
The new film Mamma Mia! broke the opening weekend box office record for a musical, making $27.6 million. It also broke the record for attracting the most men who really wanted to see The Dark Knight but decided they'd better see Mamma Mia! if they wanted to still get lucky with their girlfriends.

Roche Buying Genentech
Swiss drug maker Roche is paying $43.7 billion to buy New Jersey-based Genentech. Roche figured than any company that can make something out of the gene pool in New Jersey must be worth its weight in gold.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Batman Lines
Thousands of people lined up to see the first showings of the new Batman "Dark Knight" movie at midnight and 3AM today. It also served as a reunion for all the idiots who lined up for the new iPhone last week.

Pelosi Blasts Bush
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi is calling President Bush "a total failure". Coincidentally, that's the same thing everyone calls Pelosi's plastic surgeon.

McCain on Social Security
Even though he gets Social Security benefits himself, John McCain continues to attack the system... mostly because the small type on those checks is just too hard to read.

Freddie Mac Shares
Freddie Mac is hoping to bolster its balance sheet by selling $10 billion worth of new stock. Now they just have to find 10 billion people who haven't read or watched the news in the last six months.