Saturday, May 29, 2010

Pot Poll
A new LA Times poll shows 49% of Californians favor legalizing marijuana, 41% oppose it, and the other 10% are really worried about longer lines at Taco Bell.

Israel Condemned
The UN Security Council says Israel used too much force to stop a ship filled with activists bringing supplies Hamas. The council says Israel should have known that 99%of activists will run away if you simply offer them a real job.

Bats in Danger
Hundreds of caves are being closed to hikers to help protect a threatened bat population. Actually, the bats just want to be left alone by a growing number of annoying "Twilight" fans.

Arizona Reaction
The League of United Latin American Citizens, say they will be ready to sue immediately if they feel citizens were questioned improperly by authorities in Arizona. But this is the same group that is threatening to boycott everyone who isn't watching the George Lopez Show.

BP Deal
The good news is BP is going to give Louisiana fisherman 100% compensation for their lost wages based on their tax returns. The bad news is Louisiana fishermen haven't paid their taxes since the Civil War.

June 1st

1935: The first driving tests are introduced in the United Kingdom. Sadly, the original applicants are still trying to parallel park in Trafalgar Square.

1974: The Heimlich maneuver for rescuing choking victims is first published in the journal Emergency Medicine. It is also later approved for use on Cubs fans.

2009: General Motors files for chapter 11 bankruptcy... UAW members breifly have to get their own Viagra.

May 31st

1669: Samuel Pepys records the last event in his diary, citing poor eyesight... something he also cites for a series of ill-advised random hook-ups.

1759: The Province of Pennsylvania bans all theater productions. Sadly the ban expires well before "Shrek: The Musical."

1790: The United States enacts its first copyright statute. It is pirated by China five hours later.

Friday, May 28, 2010

May 30th

1539: Hernando de Soto lands at Tampa Bay, Florida with the goal of finding gold and cheap real estate in foreclosure.

1879: Madison Square Garden opens to the public. Luckily, the Knicks don't use the venue to terrorize the public until 1949.

1967: The Nigerian Eastern Region declares independence, sparking a civil war and thousands of suicides by map-makers across the world.

May 29th

1848: Wisconsin is admitted as the 30th U.S. state. Settlers rush in to line up for Packers tickets.

1942: Bing Crosby, the Ken Darby Singers and the John Scott Trotter Orchestra record Irving Berlin's "White Christmas"... originally titled, "Whites-Only Christmas."

2001: The U.S. Supreme Court rules that disabled golfer Casey Martin can use a cart to ride in PGA tournaments... as long as Tiger Woods can stash his extra condoms and sani-wipes in the trunk of that golf cart.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Money Man Charged
Money manager Kenneth Starr has been charged with bilking $30 million from celebrities like Wesley Snipes, Sly Stallone and Uma Thurman... which is why I am now a major fan of Kenneth Starr.

Goldman Deal?
Goldman Sachs is reportedly working on a plea deal with the government that would force the firm to pay a $250 million fine... or whatever Goldman's top executives are going to spend on lunch this afternoon, whatever's higher.

Obama to Louisiana
President Obama heads to the Gulf coast today. His new plan to stop the BP oil spill is to fill the the well with all the White House officials he's thrown under the bus in the last two weeks.

DADT Repeal Vote
The House has voted to repeal the controversial "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy on gays in the military. If this doesn't improve the quality of musicals at U.S. army bases, nothing will.

$200 Billion for Teachers
The White House wants $200 billion to bail out teachers facing layoffs. But the plan faces tough opposition. Republicans won't vote for it unless the teachers unions make cutbacks, and kids will block the bill unless the teachers eliminate homework.

May 28th

1774: The first Continental Congress convenes... then quickly realizes there are no lobbyists to fleece or interns to screw and everyone just goes home.

1964: The Palestine Liberation Organization is formed... in protest of Israel's occupation of Palestinian lands that actually began in 1967... wait, that makes no sense! Yep.

1970: The formerly united Free University of Brussels officially splits into two separate entities, the French-speaking Université Libre de Bruxelles and the school where the coeds shave their armpits.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Gay Ban Lifting
The good news is the U.S. government is about to allow openly gay people to serve in the military. The bad news is we can't afford to pay them.

White House Response
It's been two weeks since Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal asked the White House for help to fight the BP oil spill, and there's still no response. Jindal is getting so desperate to get President Obama's attention that he's going to hold a fundraiser for Barbara Boxer.

Recall Hearings
Congress is holding hearings today to look into the recalls for children's Tylenol. The nation needs answers because there's a growing number of five-year-olds who have nothing to take when they get a hangover.

Buick Marketing
GM is marketing it's new 2011 Buick Regal to a younger market than Buick's current target demographic. Actually, it has to do this, because the average Buick owner is 119 years old.

Super Bowl Preps
Now that the NFL has awarded the 2014 Super Bowl to the New York area, local businesses are scrambling to prepare. Hotels are putting together weekend packages, restaurants are taking special reservations, and millions of Pakistanis are looking for ways to charge $1,000 for a cab ride to stadium from Newark Airport.

May 27th

1937: The Golden Gate Bridge opens, giving suicidal Bay Area residents the opportunity of a lifetime.

1997: The U.S. Supreme Court rules that Paula Jones can pursue her sexual harassment lawsuit against President Bill Clinton while he is in office. Clinton is informed of the decision while in the act of sexually harassing women in his office.

1999: The International Criminal Tribunal indicts Slobodan Milošević for war crimes and crimes against local TV news anchors who embarrassed themselves for years mispronouncing his name.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

BP Admission
BP has admitted to Congress that it ignored a key warning sign before it went ahead with drilling the ill-fated oil well in the Gulf. Government regulators at the Department of Interior would have seen the same warning sign if they hadn't been too busy watching porn at work.

$13 Trillion!
The U.S. debt has just exceeded $13 trillion. All Americans under the age of 90 are now being forced to wash the dishes at P.F. Chang's.

White House Illegal Jobs Office
Now there are two Democrat candidates for the U.S. Senate who say the Obama administration offered them White House jobs if they dropped out of their primary races. Finally we have some proof that President Obama really is creating jobs after all!

James Claim
Sandra Bullock's estranged husband Jesse James says he was a victim of child abuse. Apparently both his parents were really, really bad tattoo artists.

9/11 Mosque
A New York City community board has approved plans to build a Mosque just steps from Ground Zero. But in all fairness, the board has also approved plans for an al Qaeda terrorist training camp in Central Park.

May 26th

1637: A combined Protestant and Mohegan force under Captain John Mason attacks a Pequot village in Connecticut, massacring approximately 500 Native Americans, and plundering 500 packs of untaxed cigarettes.

1869: Boston University is chartered by the Commonwealth of Massachusetts at the urging of desperate male Harvard students who wanted to meet women with less facial hair.

1986: The European Community adopts the European flag... but like everything else in the European Community, it was not paid for.

Monday, May 24, 2010

More Government, More Porn
A new report shows that people at the agency in charge of overseeing offshore drilling spent hours watching porn at work. Between the people at the SEC and this agency, the government is apparently helping the porn industry a lot more than it's helping GM!

Korean War Drums
North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il has ordered his entire million man army to battle stations... and to get them there, he's promised them all a double portion of their daily ration of dirt.

BP Latest
The Obama admistration still has no ideas on how to fix the BP oil spill. However, Vice President Joe Biden is asking his plastic surgeon to see what he can do to stitch up the hole.

Census Problems
Census workers are complaining that the new Arizona immigration law is making it harder to do their job... mostly because they can't get to anyone's house when the streets are filled with all these angry protesters.

Euro Emergency
The Eurozone debt crisis is making it harder for European banks to borrow money. Not only do they have to pay higher interest rates, but European bankers are also being required to prove they've visited a dentist in the past six years.

May 25th

1420: Henry the Navigator is appointed governor of the Order of Christ. Beat that, Tom Tom!

1953: The first public television station in the United States officially begins broadcasting... the nation's insomnia rate simultaneously begins to plummet.

1961: President John F. Kennedy announces his goal to put a "man on the moon" before the end of the decade. Sadly, his other goal to bang a hot chick on the moon has not yet been realized.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Fergie Caught
Dutchess of York Sarah Ferguson has been caught on tape trying to sell access to her ex-husband, Prince Andrew, for $800,000. It's a shocking story, because no one can believe anyone would pay more than 5 bucks to meet Prince Andrew.

GOP Victory in Hawaii
A Republican has won a special congressional election in President Obama's home district in Hawaii. To make matters worse, Democrats are also starting to fall behind in the polls on Obama's real home district in Indonesia.

Korean Crisis
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton says the U.S. is standing by South Korea in its growing dispute with North Korea... that is, until President Obama apologizes to North Korea.

Sestak Bribe Offer
Democrat Pennsylvania Senate nominee Joe Sestak has admitted that the White House offered him a job to drop out of the primary against Arlen Specter. But Sestak was eventually turned down for a cabinet position because he had actually paid all his taxes.

Venus Outfit
Venus Williams won her first round match at the French Open Sunday... and then she rushed downtown for her appearance in a local production of "Moulin Rouge."

May 24th

1626: Peter Minuit buys Manhattan... but the joke's on him when he later finds out most of the island is under rent control.

1940: Igor Sikorsky performs the first successful single-rotor helicopter flight... but still fails to get a job as an on-air traffic reporter at KABC.

1943: Josef Mengele becomes chief medical officer of the Auschwitz concentration camp. Democrats consider him a hero because he offered free health care.

May 23rd

1533: The wedding of King Henry VIII to Catherine of Aragon is declared null and void... but the caterers refuse to refund the deposit.

1911: The New York Public Library is dedicated... as a sanctuary for creepy guys who like to flash people in the stacks.

1934: Bank robbers Bonnie and Clyde are ambushed by police and killed. Today, the only people who have to worry about getting ambushed are bank executives.

May 22nd

1840: The transporting of British convicts to Australia is abolished. Since then, they have been sent to Detroit.

1992: Johnny Carson hosts The Tonight Show for the last time. It's also the last time the show was funny.

1992: Bosnia and Herzegovina, Croatia and Slovenia join the United Nations... and in the true spirit of the UN, they immediately start killing each other.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Tesla Plant
Electric car maker Tesla is going to start production at a closed plant once used by GM and Toyota. Tesla hopes using the plant will help it make an overpriced car that accelerates unintentionally.

New U.K. Plan
The new British government is working on a plan to massively cut back on the number of civil servants and teachers. If everything goes as planned, English civil servants will become as rare as English dentists.

Jupiter Mystery
Scientists don't know quite why, but one of Jupiter's two main cloud belts has disappeared... but in this economy, Jupiter's car, boat and summer house are also suddenly missing.

Good News in the Gulf?
BP says the massive oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico could be stopped next week. But the White House may order the company to keep it open until the administration can find someone else to bash.

Armstrong Hurt
The bad news for Lance Armstrong is he needs stitches after falling off his bike in a race yesterday. The good news is he fell off after running over Floyd Landis.

May 21st

1758: Mary Campbell is abducted from her home in Pennsylvania by the Lenape Indians after they learn she had been counting cards at the tribal casino.

1864: Russia declares an end to the Russian-Circassian War... creating a day of celebration for people with speech impediments all over the world.

1927: Charles Lindbergh touches down at Le Bourget Field in Paris, completing his mission to fly solo across the Atlantic and find more of his fellow Anti-Semites.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

ATM Creator Dead
John Sheppard-Barron, the man who invented the ATM, has died at age 84. His family is desperately trying to fit him into a coffin that will slip through the deposit slot.

Scientific Warning
A leading group of scientists says the U.S. government needs to impose big new taxes on oil and coal right now or it will be too late to save the planet. But the same scientists say they would probably tone down their doomsday scenario if they ever actually get a date.

Wright Comes Out
Country singer Chely Wright is facing a backlash from some fans now that she has come out as a lesbian. On the bright side, the news has helped her get the contract to endorse Taco Bell.

Economy Worsens
Weekly jobless claims have hit a new three-month high. Census takers are now just counting everyone on the unemployment line and calling it a day.

B.P. Recovery
B.P. now says it is capturing 5,000 barrels of oil per day from its Gulf of Mexico leak. That should be just enough oil to set fire to all the records that would be used as evidence against B.P.

May 20th

325: The first ecumenical council of the Christian Church is held... the second one had to be cancelled after everyone who attended ended up killing each other.

1498: Portuguese explorer Vasco da Gama arrives in India, where he immediately hires a cheap tech support for his clipper ships.

1873: Levi Strauss and Jacob Davis receive a patent for blue jeans, making American women nervous about the size of their asses for the last 137 years.