Monday, February 28, 2005

WEB ALERT!!! I have a new satirical story on The Fake News web site. Here's the link: The Fake News

Breaking News from Lebanon
Lebanon's Prime Minister has just resigned... but it's not clear if he's protesting the 29-year long Syrian occupation of his country or the 29-years Martin Scorsese's been waiting to get an Oscar.

Swank's Win
Hillary Swank has now won Best Actress Oscars for playing a boxer and a male impersonator. Apparently, the Academy only likes actresses when they're trying to be just like men.

Foxx's Grandma
Best Actor Jamie Foxx thanked his grandmother for "whupping me whenever I didn't act right." Most Americans are seeing his speech as an endorsement for corporeal punishment, and as a good excuse to beat the crap out of Ben Affleck.

Oscar Lessons
Here's what we've learned from last night's Oscars: the Academy loves emotional tear-jerkers, Martin Scorsese is a graceful loser, and Beyonce is the only working singer in Hollywood

Top 5 Signs Your Boy Scout Leader is the BTK Killer

5) Encourages you to help old ladies walk straight into traffic

4) Reminds you to be "trustworthy, obedient, and able to dig a shallow grave in less than 15 minutes"

3) Teaches you how to shoot deer, then how to write taunting letters to the deer's family

2) Only knot he teaches you to tie is a noose

1) Irons merit badges on your uniform... while you're still wearing it

Koko No-No
Three women have filed lawsuits claiming the caretaker for the sign-language-speaking gorilla Koko, pressured them to expose their breasts as a way to bond with the animal. Their lawyers say that kind of behavior should only be considered a requirement if you're working for Bill Clinton.

Sunday, February 27, 2005

RADIO ALERT!! You can catch me LIVE on the internet radio station WBCQ tonight and every Sunday night at 9pm! The name of the show is "The Johnny Lightning Show" Here is the link to find out how to download the show: WBCQ Radio

Oscar Night
Tonight's contenders for Best Picture include films about a temperamental alcoholic, a billionaire descending into insanity, and a woman trying to make it in a man's game... wait a minute, is this the Oscars or a preview of the 2008 presidential election?

BTK Caught
Police in Kansas are celebrating the arrest of the infamous "BTK" serial killer. The cops are proud that if murderers send them several letters full of clues, and their own daughters turn them in; then there's nobody they can't catch if you give them 31 years to do it.

Hampton Reward Offer
Major league pitcher Mike Hampton is offering a $25,000 reward to anyone who can help find a missing 9-year old Florida girl. This comes 5 years after the Mets offered a $25 million reward to anyone who could help Mike Hampton find the strike zone.

Saturday, February 26, 2005

Steroid Inductees?
The Baseball Hall of Fame may not induct players implicated in the recent steroid scandals. But there is a place where people who used drugs to achieve their greatness are always honored... it's called the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Friday, February 25, 2005

Doctor's Orders
After his surgery, the Pope's doctors are ordering the Pontiff not to speak for a few days. So of course, President Bush is wondering if he can get treated by those doctors.

Doctor's Orders II
After his surgery, the Pope's doctors are ordering the Pontiff not to speak for a few days... but he promises to write nasty things about gays whenever he can.

Strong Economic Report
The economy grew at an unexpectedly strong rate of 3.8% in the last three months of last year. The government says the spending numbers soared because of more factory orders, employee hiring, and Michael Jackson paid some of his legal bills

Oscar Picks
Odds-makers are split over who should be favored to win Sunday night's Academy Awards. But the experts all agree the Best Actor Oscar should go to host Chris Rock, for pretending to be interested in the Academy Awards.

Top 5 Burning Questions About the Oscars

5) Will Joan Rivers try something new, or will she use the same face she had last year?

4) Which star will be the next idiot to give away the ending to "Million Dollar Baby?"

3) Will Morgan Freeman finally get an Oscar, or does he have to wait until they give one to everybody else who was on "The Electric Company?"

2) Is there any way they can make the actors in the audience look more loaded than they were at the Golden Globes?

1) What's more likely to get ABC in trouble with the FCC for indecency; something Chris Rock says, or something Star Jones wears?

AARP Slandered
A new right-wing ad campaign accuses the AARP of being in favor of gay marriage. But the AARP says it's just that most of its members are too old to tell the difference between men and women.

Back to Normal
In a sure sign that the Olympic Evaluation Commission has left, New Yorkers are beginning to see more of the City's embarrassing sites... like criminals, homeless people, and the Knicks.

Bono's Peace Prize
U2 lead singer Bono is being considered for the Nobel Peace Prize. Experts say it's because the only thing the entire world agrees about these days is that Bono's last three albums really stunk.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Newsday Alert!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" column in today's Newsday. Here's the link: Newsday

Martha Back as CEO?
Martha Stewart's attorneys are trying to have her cleared to return as CEO of her company when she gets out of jail next week. Her lawyers are making the compelling argument that after 5 months in jail, Stewart is now more qualified than ever to lead an American corporation.

Top 5 Things Overheard During the Bush-Putin Summit

5) "Mr. President, my people don't understand you... not because of the Iraq war, but because you quit drinking"

4) "Okay Vladimir, it works like this: You keep sending uranium to Iran, and then I get another reason to invade somebody!"

3) "Congratulations on your re-election Mr. President, but why didn't you just poison Mr. Kerry with dioxin?"

2) "I like how you just put all your journalists in jail... in America we have to 'leak' them illegal information first."

1) "I'm not getting fresh Vladimir, I'm just trying to get a new sense of your soul."

Healthcare Costs
A new study says America's tab for health care — already the highest in the world — will hit $3.6 trillion by 2014... and that's not even counting all the plastic surgeries Joan Rivers is going to have!

Social Security Road Show
Republican lawmakers are going on the road to sell President Bush's Social Security plan. Experts say the trips really are the best thing for the future of the program, because now the Congressmen are too busy to steal money from Social Security.

Jacko Jury
Experts say the jury seated in the Michael Jackson trial could be very favorable to the pop star. That's because four of them are fans of his music, one of them has a grandson who was convicted of a sexual offense, and five of them don't actually scream in horror whenever they see his face.

New Palestinian Cabinet
The Palestinian parliament has approved a new 24-member Cabinet, half of whom have doctoral degrees... proving once again that if you want to find people who really hate Israel, you have to go to the universities.

Carmen's Advice
Actress Carmen Electra says losing her virginity in the back seat of a car in Cincinnati when she was 16 was "not glamorous." But it's not clear if she said that to promote teen abstinence or to warn people about Cincinnati.

Arnold's Poll Numbers
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger's poll numbers have been slipping... but it's not clear if it's because of California's economic woes or the release of "Terminator 3" on DVD.

Portman Chased
An angry mob chased and cursed actress Natalie Portman after she filmed a love scene at the holy Western Wall in Jerusalem yesterday. It's not clear if the people were angry about her disrespect for the Jewish shrine or if they were just upset about those crappy new Star Wars movies.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

New Show
The Learning Channel is doing a new home remodeling show for gay couples... it's called "Outhouse."

Civil Marriage
Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles are going to have a civil marriage ceremony, confusing many who thought British law required royals to be married in the "eyes of God." But legal experts say a non-religious marriage is okay, because even God doesn't want to look at them.

Royal No-Show
Buckingham Palace insists Queen Elizabeth's decision not to attend the civil marriage ceremony for Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles is not a snub. If she really disliked Camilla, the Queen would just have her killed like she did to Diana.

Top 5 Real Reasons Queen Elizabeth is Skipping Charles and Camilla's Wedding

5) Hates it when the band makes everyone get up and do the "Chicken Dance"

4) Let's face it, British food sucks

3) Too worried to see what outfit Prince Harry will wear

2) Yankees-Red Sox game is on satellite that day

1) It'll make things less awkward when they get divorced

Dell #1
A new survey of corporate executives names Dell Computer as the most admired company in America. Business people love Dell's management philosophy, productivity, and how it showed them all how easy it is to ship all the good jobs to India.

NIH Probe
National Institutes of Health investigators have cleared 80% of its doctors suspected of secret deals with pharmaceutical companies. Officials say the researchers couldn't have made any hidden agreements with the drug companies because they already had secret deals with the insurance companies.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

WEB ALERTS!! I have two new satirical stories published on the Web today. Here are the links: The Fake News
and The Enduring Vision

AND DON'T FORGET to check out my Johnny Carson monologue site at: Johnny Carson Site

Paris Hilton's Blackberry Hacked
Paris Hilton's Blackberry has been hacked, meaning almost anyone can see the dozens of celebrity phone numbers stored there. But it's hard to figure out what's more embarrassing for a celebrity; having your private phone number splashed all over the web, or having the entire world find out that you gave Paris Hilton your phone number.

Iraqi Front-Runner
Ibrahim al-Jaafari emerged today as the leading candidate for Iraqi prime minister, shocking most Americans who only remember him as the bad guy from "Aladdin."

Recruiting Gays
Britain's navy has begun a campaign to actively recruit gays... which will make things awkward when it finds out most of Britain's gays are already enlisted in the navy.

Top 5 Slogans Used to Get New York City the 2012 Summer Games

5) New York 2012: Don't worry, nobody else speaks English here either!

4) New York 2012: Ride the subways and see just how unnecessary all that money you gave the terrorists really is

3) New York 2012: Give us the games, or we'll stop taking all your country's rejects

2) New York 2012: We can't control the crack problem, so your athletes won't have any trouble sneaking in steroids

1) New York 2012: Don't worry, President Bush & Mayor Bloomberg will be gone by then

Winn-Dixie Broke
The Winn-Dixie supermarket chain filed for bankruptcy today. Experts say the company was hurt by competition from Wal-Mart, rising prices, and it's continuing futile support for the Confederacy.

Iraq Visit
5 U.S. Senators are visiting Iraq on a fact-finding mission this week. It's a dangerous trip, because exposing the Iraqi people to members of Congress could derail the fledging democracy before it starts.

Bereavement Fare Phase-Out
More major airlines are phasing out discounted fares to close relatives of the dead and dying. The practice not only marks the end of one of the few examples of corporate compassion, but it also eliminates the best damn way for college kids to get to Florida for spring break!

Israel's Nukes
As the United States continues to pressure Iran to drop its nuclear weapons program, many are asking why no one is forcing Israel to give up its nukes. The reason is all of Israel's enemies already look like they've been hit by a nuclear bomb anyway.

Nato Praise
President Bush is praising NATO as a strong military entity in Europe. The alliance is well-equipped, well-fed, and thanks to all of Bush's unilateral wars, well-rested.

"Fever" Disco Floor
The disco floor that John Travolta danced across in "Saturday Night Fever" has been saved from a doomed Brooklyn nightclub and will be auctioned off. The bell-bottoms he wore are already being used as the wind socks at JFK Airport.

Monday, February 21, 2005

Insurgent Attacks
The U.S. millitary says insurgents in Iraq are now almost exclusively attacking fuel supplies. This is a scary tactic, because by targeting the oil companies, the terrorists are finally doing something that could win them the support of the American people.

Top 5 Reasons Syria Won't Pull out of Lebanon

5) Most Syrian troops really hooked on Lebanese hash

4) Too hard to get reservations at the one night club in Damascus

3) Like there's a better place to practice assassinations these days?

2) Those loose Lebanese women sometimes show a little chin in public

1) Christo's next exhibit is coming to Beirut!

Sunday, February 20, 2005

Bush in Europe
President Bush is now on a five-day trip to Europe where he will work to heal hard feelings from the Iraq war. Insiders expect the President to mend fences with diplomatic concessions, and then make things worse by mispronouncing the names of every European country and leader.

Top 5 Things President Bush Plans to Do to Mend Fences with Europe

5) Present every European leader with a really nice fruit basket

4) Offer to do all the dirty work and protect them from terrorists... oh, wait we do that already!

3) Get Condi to agree to appear on European version of "Blind Date"

2) Bond with the Germans and Russians and start drinking heavily again

1) Two words: "Ambassador Hasselhoff"

Israeli Pullout
Prime Minister Ariel Sharon is calling his decision to withdraw from Gaza and four West Bank settlements, "the toughest choice he's ever made." But experts say the actual toughest choice he ever made was going without that second bowl of Matzoh Ball soup last Friday night.

Israeli Pullout II
Israel's Cabinet approved the withdrawal from Gaza and four West Bank settlements, marking the first dismantling of Jewish settlements on land claimed by Palestinians. The decision will help keep the peace process going, win Israel more international support, and force Islamic terrorists to build longer-range weapons.

Saturday, February 19, 2005

Daytona Ratings
Experts expect huge ratings for tomorrow's Daytona 500 Nascar race. The viewership numbers will be boosted by younger fans, curious adults, and Democrats hoping to figure out how to win in the red states.

"The Gates" Tourists
More than one million tourists have come to New York just to see Christo's orange-colored "The Gates" exhibit in Central Park. The only other orange-colored objects in New York that serve no apparent purpose are the Mets.

Tsunami Memory
Former U.S. Presidents Bush and Clinton are touring the regions ravaged by the deadly tsunami and are urging people not to forget the victims. But experts say the only way for Bush and Clinton to get the media's attention now would be to appear as witnesses in the Michael Jackson trial.

Friday, February 18, 2005

NEW WEB ALERT!!! My work is now being featured on the daily "Eye Opener" email from! Please click here to sign up for the email so the folks there can see I can bring in business! Eye Opener Sign-Up

Indo-Pakistani Agreement
After more than a year of talks, India and Pakistan have finally agreed to start a peaceful and safe bus route to and from Kashmir. Now the way is clear for India and Pakistan to start a safe and peaceful taxi route to LaGuardia.

Top 5 Real Reasons PBS President Pat Mitchell is Resigning

5) Controversial "Postcards from Buster" episode didn't turn as many girls into lesbians as her evil liberal bosses hoped

4) Snuffleupagus' fur kept shedding all over her office

3) Doesn't want to go through another rough contract negotiation with all of Elmo's lawyers again

2) Finally realized that 95% of the job is just stealing stuff from British TV

1) All those science shows really are boring

Hawk Love
Birdwatchers in New York say the famous 5th Avenue red-tailed hawks, Pale Male and Lola, have been mating every day, five times a day, for five seconds at a time. Most nature experts are impressed that the birds are able to copulate in an urban setting, and most women are impressed that the male hawk is lasting 2 seconds longer than their husbands.

Bush on Syria
President Bush says he doesn't know if Syria was involved in the assassination of Lebanon's former Prime Minister. But he promised to withhold judgment until he knows what the facts are, and finds out whether there are any Halliburton executives working in Syria.

NHL Dead
The National Hockey League has become the first major sports league in North America to lose an entire season because of a labor disagreement. That's opposed to the New York Rangers, who lost all of the last seven seasons because they suck.

Nanny Abuse
Scarlett Constance LeMay, a Manhattan dominatrix, is being sued by a former nanny who says she was abused and underpaid. LeMay denies any wrongdoing, especially since when she abuses people, they usually pay HER.

New Fines
Congress has passed a new bill boosting fines for on-air indecency to $500,000 per violation. Republicans are hoping the new rules clean up the airwaves, keep kids away from inappropriate material, and help fund the next few wars in the Middle East.

Alanis Citizenship
Canadian singer Alanis Morissette officially became an U.S. citizen this week... once again proving that NAFTA has failed to protect the American people.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" column in today's Newsday. Here's the link: Newsday

No Hockey
The NHL canceled its entire season yesterday. For the NHL to have a season next year, it'll have to settle the salary cap issue... and then find someone who actually still gives a damn about hockey.

No J. Lo
Jennifer Lopez is canceling her European concert tour because she's too sick to leave Los Angeles. To get back on stage, J. Lo will have to fully recover... and find someone who actually still gives a damn about J. Lo.

Top 5 Things New Intelligence Chief Nominee John Negroponte will Do Immediately

5) Find out who in the White House leaked Valerie Plame's identity as a CIA agent to the press... but then only tell Robert Novak

4) Have the CIA waste time spying on the FBI, and the FBI waste time spying on the CIA... oh, wait they do that already!

3) Prepare for next terrorist attack by quickly setting up another round of hearings on Capitol Hill

2) Find out how the hell Ashlee Simpson is making money as a singer

1) Dig up dirt on any Senators who may not vote to confirm him

Leak Reporters Threatened
An appeals court says New York Times reporter Judith Miller and Time Magazine reporter Matthew Cooper should be jailed unless they reveal who told them the name of a covert CIA operative. But the justices excluded columnist Robert Novak from the ruling, because considering what goes on in most prisons, Novak probably wouldn't see it as a punishment.

North Korea Deal
A Pentagon official says the U.S. will still pay North Korea $5 million to recover more remains of G.I.'s missing from the Korean War, despite rising tensions over the country's nuclear program. U.S. diplomats are hoping that North Korea will learn that to get what it wants, it shouldn't build more nukes, it should just kill more American soldiers.

Top 5 Reasons Laura Bush Fired the White House Chef

5) His healthy meals frequently made her too alert and energized to keep shutting up like she's told

4) Took the blame for the President's "pretzel difficulties"

3) Refused to serve ribs for breakfast

2) Never agreed with the whole "Freedom Fries" name change thing

1) Forgot to cut the crust off of the President's peanut butter and jelly sandwiches one too many times

School Closings
The New York Archdiocese has announced it's closing more catholic schools. It's getting so bad, soon the only place kids will get molested is the Neverland Ranch.

Searching for Janis
Janis Joplin's estate has announced "Search for the Pearl," a reality TV talent search to find the next Janis Joplin. All potential contestants are advised to start drinking now.

Hawks Mating
The pair of red-tailed hawks who were evicted from and then brought back to a ritzy Fifth Avenue apartment building last year, have been spotted mating. Their actions prove that the building's co-op board caved in to their demands for family health insurance before they agreed to return.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Jackson Flu
Michael Jackson fell ill and was taken to the emergency room on his way to the courtroom yesterday. His lawyers were hoping the incident would create sympathy for their client, until it came out that Jackson kept demanding to be taken to the children's hospital.

Missile Test Failure
A test of the national ballistic missile defense system failed again this week. The Interceptor Missile did not come out of its silo and recognize its target... but at least this means we'll have an early spring!

Top 5 Reasons the Pentagon Wants to Replace U.S. Troops with Robots

5) Machines making those "Support the Troops" car magnets will feel closer to the soldiers

4) Robots are 22% less likely to be gay

3) Someone's got to take all the unused robot parts off of Halliburton's hands!

2) Great photo-op every Thanksgiving when President Bush will personally give combat robots an oil change

1) Fighting with robots will make killing people fun again!

Enhancement Lawsuit
A New Jersey man claims penis-enlargement pills he bought didn't work, and he's filing a multi-million dollar lawsuit. The manufacturer is shocked... not because it believes in the pill, but because it thought it was safe to assume that no man in the world would be willing to tell everyone he has a small penis.

Top 5 Bloomberg Re-Election Campaign Slogans

5) "Bloomberg: A New York Billionaire with Real Ideas... and Real Hair!"

4) "Bloomberg: The Only Candidate with the Courage to be For AND Against Gay Marriage at the Same Time!"

3) "Bloomberg: His Police Commissioner Only Has 1 Mistress!"

2) "Bloomberg: Saving the Jets from New Jersey"

1) "Bloomberg: What, Like the Rich Don't Run this City Anyway?"

Subway Promotion
"S" trains on the New York City subway will soon be redecorated to look like western saloons as part of a promotion for the new season of HBO's "Deadwood." There will be wood-paneled seats and faux cushions, but riders can continue to use the floor as a spittoon.

Teacher-Student Wedding Registry
Mary Kay Letourneau and her former student, Vili Fualaau, have signed up with Macy's online bridal registry. Mary Kay's list asks for a floral pattern bedding set, and Vili is asking for the "Star Wars" pattern.

No News
A new report says most local TV news programs have abandoned all coverage of local politics and issues in favor of more celebrity stories and gossip. The broadcasters say the only solution is to get more celebrities to run for office.

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Jackson Witness List
Michael Jackson's lawyers are putting several famous names on their witness list, including Liz Taylor, Corey Feldman, and Kobe Bryant. Apparently, the strategy is to bring so many screwed up celebrities into the courtroom so the jury will eventually think Michael
Jackson is almost normal.

NHL Season Saved?
The players union may have salvaged some part of the hockey season by finally agreeing to a salary cap. Most fans gave up on the season long ago, but this is great news for most of America's dentists.

Top 5 Reasons Binge Drinking is Highest in the Midwest

5) All of Ohio now realizes President Bush is their responsibility

4) Two words: "Chicago Cubs"

3) Drunkenness is the only way to maintain the birthrate in North Dakota

2) All men without a beer in Indiana assumed to be gay

1) No one in the Midwest can afford prescription drugs anymore

Taboo Wedding
In two months, 43-year old Mary Kay Letourneau will marry Vili Fualaau, the former elementary school student she started having sex with when he was just 12. Letourneau says she's doing it because she truly loves him, and Fualaau is just hoping to finally get an "A" in fractions.

Boiling Lobster Study
A new study from Norway concludes that Lobsters have little learning ability, and they cannot feel or recognize pain... meaning they are a lot like crabs, worms, and members of the Bush Administration.

SNL Guest Stars
Actress Hillary Swank will host "Saturday Night Live" this weekend, following the show hosted by Paris Hilton. Too bad Hilton doesn't have some of Swank's talent, elegance, or a role in a movie where we get to see someone beat her senseless.

Mystery Ring
The Salvation Army is still looking for the person who dropped an engagement ring worth $400 in one of its kettles during the holidays. Of course, they could narrow the search down by realizing that any man who bought an engagement ring worth $400 is probably still single.

Frist Gives Up?
Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist now says that he will probably not try to lead the fight for a Constitutional Amendment to ban gay marriage this year... but he won't be entirely sure until he answers that personal ad in the Village Voice.

Road Test Horror
Officials in Georgia say that a driver's education instructor was run over by one of her students and pinned beneath the car for 15 minutes. That student will definitely fail the road test... unless she's somehow related to President Bush or Ted Kennedy.

Knife On-Board
A New Jersey woman says she had a butcher knife in her bag on a flight out of Newark, because she put it there "just in case" before a blind date earlier that week. Security officials believed her story because she is Lorena Bobbit.

Favorite Things
According to a new survey, the number one thing women would do if they had unlimited hours is to read, while men said "passionate sex." Considering the way most men make love, there's no reason why most couples shouldn't be able to do both those things at once.

Monday, February 14, 2005

Ray's Grammys
Ray Charles won 8 Grammys for his final album. But the music industry's decision to give Charles those honors after his death doesn't make up for its decision to give Ashlee Simpson a recording contract before she can sing.

Drone Flights
Two government officials have confirmed that the U.S. is sending drones to make spy flights over Iran. Experts understand why we're using the drones, they just can't figure out how we're getting Armstrong Williams and Rush Limbaugh airbourne.

Aguilera Engaged
Christina Aguilera got engaged to longtime boyfriend Jordan Bratman this weekend. The wedding date is not yet set, but insiders say they will divorce about six months after Britney Spears and her husband break up.

Sunday, February 13, 2005

Top 5 Shocking Revelations in Jose Canseco's New Book

5) Most teams' players injected steroids... Mets injected Altoids

4) When he owned the Texas Rangers, President Bush knew about the injections... he just wouldn't allow the players to buy cheaper steroids from Canada

3) Mark McGwire's muscles were the result of steroid use... so was his goatee

2) Taking steroids includes side-effects like making you get arrested for speeding, gun possession, and letting fly balls bounce off your head.

1) Without steroids, Barry Bonds is actually Michael Jackson

Saturday, February 12, 2005

Top 5 Plays Arthur Miller Would be Writing Today

5) "Meth of the Salesman"

4) "The Archbishop's Bedroom Ceiling Mirror"

3) "All My Son's Piercings and Tatoos"

2) "After the Fall... Grandma Couldn't Get Up"

1) "The George Foreman Super Fat-Burning Crucible!"

Friday, February 11, 2005

North Korea Bomb
North Korea's announcement that it has nuclear weapons is forcing the world to ask some tough questions. The U.S. is wondering if it can destroy the arsenal, the UN is wondering if it can use diplomacy to neutralize the situation, and most of the North Korean people are wondering if they'll ever be able to have something to eat besides dirt.

Fiorina's Future
Now that she's been ousted as CEO of Hewlett-Packard, reports say Carly Fiorina may join the GOP and run for office. But after cutting thousands of jobs, depressing the stock market, and failing her supporters, Fiorina is probably too overqualified to be a Republican.

Top 5 Things Charles and Camilla are Doing to Prepare for Their Wedding

5) Scheduling emergency horse dentist appointments for Camilla

4) Finding world's largest cotton swabs for Charles' ears

3) Looking for new lovers to cheat on each other with after the wedding

2) Thinking of the best way to waste the British taxpayers' money on their Honeymoon

1) Making sure Prince Harry doesn't dress himself

Auto Insurance Rates
Auto insurance rates are expected to rise 1.5% this year, the smallest increase since 2001. That's thanks to fewer car thefts, safer vehicles, and the fact that Billy Joel now has a chauffeur.

Wal-Mart in NYC
Many New Yorkers are preparing to fight plans by Wal-Mart to open their first New York first store in Queens in 2008. But that's only because people in Queens don't need to go to the store to buy things made in China and India; they can get just get all that stuff sent to them by their relatives back home!

No Viagra
Republicans and Democrats in the House introduced a bill to prohibit Medicare from covering Viagra, saying taxpayers should not pick up the bill for seniors' sexual activities. That's funny, because we've been picking up the bill for all of Congress' sexual activities for decades.

Paris the Genie
Paris Hilton will play "I Dream of Jeannie" star Barbara Eden in the March 16 episode of "American Dreams." All of America is hoping she'll learn something from that role... like how to make herself disappear.

Tort Reform
The Senate has approved a bill that will make it harder for trial attorneys to file class action lawsuits. That's too bad, because filing class action lawsuits was the only time most lawyers had any class.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Charles and Camilla
Prince Charles has announced he will marry long-time girlfriend Camilla Parker Bowles in April. The wedding will be the first royal event the paparazzi really won't want to photograph.

Phony White House Reporter
It turns out that a member of the White House press corps, who routinely asked President Bush "softball" questions, was a paid GOP operative using a phony name. The White House admits the man was a phony, but insists that with this President, there are no "softball" questions.

Top 5 Questions the Phony GOP-Paid Reporter asked President Bush at White House Press Conferences

5) "Mr. President, how do you do it?"

4) "Now that you've rid the world of that evil Saddam Hussein, is there anything you can't do?"

3) "Mr. President, why do you think all of our brave fighting men and women love you so much?"

2) "Sir, after drinking too much and fooling around with his secretary, Senator Kennedy criticized our efforts in Iraq. What do you say to that?"

1) "Mr. President, can I get the same deal as Armstrong Williams?"

Condi's Warning
Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice says Iran must move quickly to suspend its nuclear weapons program, but added the U.S. has set no deadline for Tehran to act. In other words, Iran shouldn't worry until President Bush's approval ratings dip below 50% again

Supreme Court Changes
The Supreme Court has shut down the barber-shop where the justices have had their hair cut since 1935. It's being replaced with a new facility where the justices can conveniently get their dialysis, chemotherapy, and arthritis therapy.

Virginia Pants Law
The Virginia House of Delegates has passed a bill authorizing a 50 dollar fine for anyone who publicly displays his or her underwear in "low-rider" jeans or pants. This is either an attack on teenage behavior, or a conservative attempt to get the gay Spongebob cartoon off the air.

Jewish Rock Hall
The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is suing three men who are establishing the Jewish Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, saying the public could confuse the two. The lawsuit is an example of legal abuse, and proof that the men should first build the Jewish Lawyers Hall of Fame.

Top 5 Planned Attractions at the Jewish Rock and Roll Hall of Fame

5) "Rock's Greatest Managers and Agents" exhibit

4) Billy Joel Bumper Cars

3) "They Could have Been Doctors, A Tribute to the Jewish Rockers' Moms"

2) Art Garfunkel Hair Styling Center

1) "David Lee Roth Bar Mitzvah CD"

Desperate Secret
Desperate Housewives star Marcia Cross is denying rumors that she is secretly a lesbian. She's also denying rumors that she is secretly an actress.

Feldman's Story
Speaking to reporters about the Michael Jackson trial, former child star Corey Feldman said he has a, "sickening realization that there have been many occurrences in my relationship to Michael that have created a question of doubt." His words are leading many experts to believe that Feldman may have been abused by Jackson, but not as badly as whomever taught him to speak English.

Apprentice Discrimination?
A St. Louis man with paralysis is suing the producers of "The Apprentice," saying they are unfairly discriminating against would-be contestants with disabilities. But the producers say they intend to make up for that by continuing to cast people with mental disabilities.


IF CNN's Rick Sanchez had Reported on the Major Stories of the 20th Century:

Crash of 1929

"Folks, If you're walking around Wall Street right now, look out for lots of executives jumping out of windows... Seriously, this could be very dangerous."

Hindenburg Disaster

"Well, I hate to burst your balloon... but we have a terrible disaster to tell you about this morning. HAHAHA"

Pearl Harbor

"They say loose lips sink ships... so I guess someone did a lot of talking... HAHAHA!"


"There's only one word for that kind of blast: 'wow'... just 'wow.'"

JFK Assassination

"Okay, let's slow down the Zapruder film just at the point where the bullet hits the President's head... YEOW!! You know that had to hurt!"

Moon Landing

"Boy, there's only one thing that could top this Daryn... man landing on the Sun."

Nixon Resigns

"You know what's funny Daryn?... I saw 'Deep Throat' like 6 times and I never saw anything that the President should resign over."

Israel-Egypt Peace Treaty

"Well, we finally did it... we'll never have to worry about Arab-Israeli violence again!"

Challenger Disaster

"You know what I can't get out of my mind Daryn?... You know that teacher subbing for Christa McCauliffe is probably thinking: 'Man, that could have been me!"

Oklahoma Bombing

"Let's not jump to conclusions about who's to blame here, Daryn... but my money is on those crazy Arabs"

Lewinsky Scandal

"I guess 'Deep Throat' struck again, huh? HAHAHA"


"Let's not jump to conclusions about who's to blame here, Daryn... but my money is on Timothy McVeigh"

More "If CNN's Rick Sanchez Covered the Big Events of the 20th Century"

Russian Revolution

"Well, I for one am not upset. I could never spell "Czar" correctly anyway. HAHAHAHA!"

Japan Surrenders

"Of course this is good news, Daryn. But you want to know what I'm worrying about right now... what are we gonna do with all those extra atomic bombs?"

Sound Barrier Broken

"With all due respect to Chuck Yeager... I think my kids break the sound barrier every night when they play those Dizzy Gillespie records. HAHAHAHAHA!"

State of Israel Born

"I know it's going to be called the Jewish State, Daryn... but I'm withholding judgment until I can get a decent Reuben Sandwich in Tel Aviv, know what I mean?"

Ike's Heart Attack

"I guess now we're just HALF a heartbeat away from having Dick Nixon as President, huh Daryn?"

Tet Offensive

"Boy the North Vietnamese really let us have it last night! And you know it's a shock, Daryn, because the folks at my local Chinese restaurant are usually NICER to me during the Lunar New Year. Man, go figure."

Patty Hearst Kidnapping

"You know what I don't understand Daryn?... Why isn't there also a Symbionese Liberation Navy?"

Gas Lines

"You know what could stop this problem of endless gas lines at the stations, Daryn? The oil companies could start delivering fuel direct to your home!"

Miracle on Ice

"Well, finally we all have something to make us feel good about being Americans again. But I'm concerned about the other side of this story... people in Russia and Finland probably really hate us right now."

First Shuttle Launch

"That's one impressive space vehicle folks... but what do you think the insurance is for that sucker? YEOW!"

2000 Election Mess

"Well, it looks like they're going to have to recount all the votes, county by county Daryn. It's a job even thought counting muppet from Sesame Street would find daunting, I'm sure."

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Top 5 Reasons Carly Fiorina Quit as Hewlett-Packard CEO

5) Tired of people coming up to her and saying: "Hey, aren't you that chick from 'The Apprentice?"

4) HP was about to replace her with an Indian woman pretty soon anyway

3) She was the CEO, but most of the male board members still expected her to make coffee

2) Eliot Spitzer is ruining all the fun of being a corrupt executive

1) Tired of the daily paper jams in all the HP printers in her office

Bush Gets Frisky
During this past Sunday's church services, President Bush gave his wife a kiss, then patted her on the behind before shaking hands with all his fellow worshippers. This is a total reversal from President Clinton's policy, who used to shake hands with his wife before kissing and patting all his fellow worshippers on the behind.

Deep Throat Sick?
Several news organizations are reporting that the mysterious Watergate figure "Deep Throat," who helped bring down President Richard Nixon, is near death. But younger Americans are confused by this story, as they logically assume "Deep Throat" was responsible for Bill Clinton's downfall.

Oscar Deal
Under a new deal with the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences, ABC will broadcast the Academy Awards through 2014. Oh no, wait... that's just when this year's Oscar broadcast will finally be over.

Religious TV Show
Aidan Quinn will star in the new NBC drama "Book of Daniel," in which he plays a pastor addicted to prescription drugs. Well, that show will really help Hollywood's image in the red states!

Canseco's Accusations
Baseball stars Mark McGwire, Jason Giambi, and Rafael Palmeiro are all denying Jose Canseco's claims that they shared steroids with him. The denials make sense... everyone knows those guys never share!

Central Park Art
Work has begun on a massive public art project in New York City, where 7,500 bright orange gates will be set up throughout Central Park. Of course, most park users won't care what color they are as long as they can pee on them.

Budget Cutting
President Bush says his $2.57 trillion budget reduces and eliminates redundancy. But experts say if President Bush really wanted to eliminate redundancy he would quit since Dick Cheney is doing all his work anyway.

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Top 5 Real Reasons the Pope is Considering Retirement

5) Might be nice to open a window and not have half a million people looking at you for once

4) White has never been his color... he's more of an "autumn" actually

3) Wants to move to luxurious Church-owned resort in California, but only if Bush lays off Social Security

2) Pretty sure he can get box seats to Notre Dame football home games

1) Could be fun to test that "Papal Infallibility" theory at all the high-stakes tables in Vegas

Peace Deal
Major progress was made in the Israeli-Palestinian peace talks today. Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas promised to halt all attacks on Israel, and Israeli Prime Minister Sharon promised not to eat him.

Special Concession
Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas and Israeli Prime Minister have agreed to a cease fire, but Sharon has imposed some conditions. They include demands that the Palestinians stop terror attacks, arrest more terrorists, and keep Hanan Ashrawi off CNN during meal times.

Happy Times
Observers at the Sharon-Abbas meeting today say there was a great atmosphere during the talks with plenty of "laughs and smiles." But that was only because the two men spent most of their time swapping their favorite Suha Arafat jokes.

Future Issues
There are still many tough issues that have to be hammered out for the Israeli-Palestinian peace talks to continue. The most difficult items are whether to release Palestinian prisoners held in Israeli jails, whether Israeli forces will withdraw from the West Bank, and whether New York City should build a new stadium for the Jets.

Bush Mideast
President Bush will meet this spring with Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas and Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon. The announcement signals either a second-term interest in the Mideast peace process, or a realization that no one can screw this up more than it already is.

Marley Memorial
Rastafarians from around the world joined tens of thousands of Ethiopians this week at a concert marking the 60th anniversary of reggae legend Bob Marley's birth. It was the most incense ever burned in one place since last year's freshman orientation at U.C. Berkeley.

Cosby Affair
Bill Cosby now admits to having a consensual relationship with the Canadian woman accusing him of drugging and groping her. Cosby says he first approached the woman to lecture her about good parenting, but later just decided to rip off her clothes.

Bush Budget Secrets
President Bush's $2.57 trillion budget doesn't even mention some of the most expensive programs it will fund anyway. That includes $80 billion for the costs of military operations in Iraq and Afghanistan, and the $500 million it will cost to get someone to give Armstrong Williams a real job.

Cheney Won't Run
In an interview on Fox News Sunday, Vice President Dick Cheney insisted he won't run for President in 2008. Well of course he won't... why would he want to go through the whole election process when he's already been running the country for the last five years anyway?

Reverend Nabbed
A preacher was convicted this week of stealing nearly $9 million from hundreds of small, black churches across the country... but enough about the Sharpton presidential campaign.

NASA Squeezed
The money allotted to NASA in President Bush's 2006 budget will not be enough money to keep the Hubble Telescope operational. But astronomers at the space agency could cut back on the telescope's workload, and stop using it to spy on girls.

Monday, February 07, 2005

Halftime Show Safe
As expected, Paul McCartney's halftime show at the Super Bowl was not marred by any wardrobe malfunctions. But the real surprise was that the 62-year old singer didn't have any hip, knee, or prostate malfunctions.

Super Performance
After saying God healed him of a serious injury in time for the game, Philadelphia wide receiver Terrell Owens had 9 catches for 122 yards in the Super Bowl. Owens' performance is finally raising hopes that God might be able to do something for AIDS, cancer, and tsunami victims.

Top 5 Things Overheard During the Super Bowl

5) "Gentlemen, if we see Janet Jackson, the FCC has given us the go-ahead to shoot first and ask questions later."

4) "I don't care how many commercials you've done Mrs. McNabb, I'm not eating any more of that crappy soup!"

3) "It is the Super Bowl, coach Belichick, at least wear a CLEAN hoodie."

2) "Would you like another bong hit before you take the stage Sir McCartney?"

1) "Terrell, this is God... we need to talk!"

Bush Budget Cuts
President Bush's new budget plan calls for deep cuts in domestic spending, including eliminating a $225 million program to promote literacy. Experts say this was not unexpected, especially since Mr. Bush's entire career proves just how little Americans need literacy to succeed.

Top 5 New Programs in President Bush's New $2.5 Trillion Budget

5) $12 billion set aside to import cheaper prescription drugs from Canada... but only for Dick Cheney

4) $315 million needed to continue covering up Iraqi genitals in pictures from Abu Ghraib

3) Subsidies for poor farmers sacrificed for continued subsidies for rich conservative radio commentators... oh wait, that's not new!

2) $100 million set aside for RAND Corp. study on "New Ways to Scare the Old People"

1) Entire budget needed for eventual successful invasion of Cuba... three bucks

Title Town
The Red Sox won the World Series, and now the Patriots have won their third Super Bowl in four years. Boston fans are getting so used to this, they may not even start a riot tonight.

Title Town II
With the Patriots' third Super Bowl victory in four years and the Red Sox World Series title, Boston seems to have completely shed its image of a "loser" town. But experts say that won't really happen as long as John Kerry and Michael Dukakis keep living there.

Guardswomen Demoted
A female National Guard soldier has been punished for indecent exposure after competing in a mud-wrestling party at Camp Bucca in Iraq. The Pentagon says the woman has been reprimanded, demoted, and selected as the perfect new commander of the Abu Ghraib prison.

Sunday, February 06, 2005

Top 5 Things Overheard at the Super Bowl

5) "Gentlemen, if we see Janet Jackson, the FCC has given us the go-ahead to shoot first and ask questions later."

4) "I don't care how many commercials you've done Mrs. McNabb, I'm not eating any more of that crappy soup!"

3) "It is the Super Bowl, coach Belichick, at least wear a CLEAN hoodie."

2) "Would you like another bong hit before you take the stage Sir McCartney?"

1) "Terrell, this is God... we need to talk!"

Saturday, February 05, 2005

Pope Better
Pope John Paul II continues to recover and is expected to deliver his public prayers tomorrow. The Pope just has to get more rest, do some routine tests, and wait for the Lord to make sure Terrell Owens is healthy enough to play in the Super Bowl.

Super Hopes
The odds seem to be against a great Super Bowl tomorrow. There's a good chance it will be a blowout on the field, the halftime show is being toned down, and the Sunnis continue to boycott the whole thing.

Oldest New Citizens
A 103-year old Brooklyn man originally from Colombia, and his 91-year old wife finally became U.S. citizens today. The couple is already fitting in with their fellow Americans; singing American songs, eating American food, and vowing to stop President Bush from changing Social Security.

Bush on Radio
Experts say President Bush's decision to take his Social Security fight to the radio today was a brilliant move. Not because he said anything new, but because he disguised his voice to sound like Paul Harvey.

Spam Scam
A former America Online employee pleaded guilty yesterday to swiping a list of 92 million E-mail screen names and selling them to spammers. The only way an AOL employee could get so many email names is by taking them from the list of people who were canceling America Online.

Friday, February 04, 2005

Top 5 Abuses Discovered in the $64 Billion UN Oil-for-Food Program

5) Half the money used to pay New York City parking tickets

4) All oil delivery contracts awarded to Halliburton on a no-bid basis... now where did the UN get THAT idea?

3) Funds diverted to buy interest in Yasser Arafat's bowling alleys on Long Island

2) Most of the money paid out in singles so UN officials could tip strippers

1) All food sent to Iraq cooked by Martha Stewart

Harry's Ghost
Leona Helmsley says her late husband Harry is speaking to her through her dog. That's because after living with her for all those years, he definitely knows how to speak Bitch.

Jacko Jury Questions
Potential jurors at Michael Jackson's child molestation trial are being asked if they've ever had experiences with inappropriate sexual behavior, cancer, lawsuits and people of different races. But to be really fair, they should also be asked if they've ever seen a ghost, space alien, or more than 10 episodes of "The Swan."

Great Rent
A Manhattan woman is going to court to keep the lease to her $100 a year rental apartment, which would normally rent for $3500 a month. And now that the rest of New York City knows about her rent situation, the woman should also go to court to get police protection.

No Star Trek
UPN has announced that "Star Trek: Enterprise" will be canceled at the end of this season, marking the first time in 18 years that there will be no new Star Trek shows. Star Trek fans will now have to just watch re-runs, which is something they are not at all familiar with or comfortable doing in any way.

Creation Museum
An exhibit at the new Creation Museum explains how Tyrannosaurus Rex existed at the time of Adam and Eve and was created by the "terror that Adam's sin unleashed." Another exhibit explains that Dodo birds went extinct because they were gay.

Best Actors
According to a list by GQ magazine, Russell Crowe, Johnny Depp, Nicolas Cage and Clive Owen are the "greatest actors of their generation." Of course that would be the drunken, over-dramatic, narcissistic generation.

Thursday, February 03, 2005

Newsday Alert!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" column in today's Newsday. Here's the link: Newsday

Top 5 Good Things about President Bush's Social Security Privatization Plan

5) Sure, investing in Wall Street is filled with hidden deadly risks, but how is that different from taking prescription drugs nowadays?

4) If you invest in Starbuck's now, maybe they'll give you a job there when you're 80!

3) Knowing that they're handling the precious retirement savings of millions of Americans will inject a new spirit of honesty and responsibility on Wall Street... just like it did in 1999

2) When you get too old for sex, worrying about the market will be your only excitement

1) Your kids may not call often enough, but your broker will when your account goes in arrears!

Bush on the Road
President Bush is taking his push for private Social Security investment accounts on the road today, starting with stops in North Dakota and Montana. Or in other words, the only two states in the Union where no one knows just how sleazy Wall Street is.

Bush Logic
President Bush says we need private Social Security savings accounts because in the coming years, there won't be enough younger people working to support all the baby boomer retirees. Of course he could try an alternate plan, like making sure there's more jobs for younger people in the future, but that would be downright crazy!

Martha & Donald
NBC says Martha Stewart will star in a new version of "The Apprentice" with Donald Trump as executive producer. Usually to find such powerful crooks and phonies working together, you have to go to a presidential campaign fundraiser.

Top 5 Tasks on the New Martha Stewart Version of "The Apprentice"

5) Cook the books

4) Avoid the federal investigator

3) Humiliate the subordinate

2) Make cheap crap for Kmart

1) Knit Donald better hair

Super Bowl Sprawl
The Super Bowl host city of Jacksonville, Florida is dealing with some major crowding this week. Hotel rooms are so scarce that Bernie Kerik is only able to bring half his mistresses!

Clinton Tsunami Relief
Bill Clinton has been named the UN Special Envoy for Tsunami relief, in hopes that he'll be able to convince countries to stick with reconstruction efforts even as media interest dies down. Clinton is the perfect choice, since he's stuck with Hillary even though his interest in her died down long ago.

Mideast Summit
Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon and Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas have accepted an invitation for a summit next week at an Egyptian resort. Well, Abbas has accepted an invitation to a summit, Sharon has accepted an invitation to the resort's "all you can eat" buffet.

Yogi Suit
Yogi Berra is suing TBS because he says some "Sex in the City" ads that use his face are ruining his religious image. That's opposed to the rest of us, who find that seeing Yogi's face ruins sex.

Jackson Case Testimony
Michael Jackson's ex-wife Debbie Rowe has agreed to testify against the pop star during his child molestation trial. But defense lawyers say that will violate the long-held legal rule of "husband and paid-off surrogate, phony, throwaway wife confidentiality."

Cell Phone Drivers
A new report shows that when teenage motorists talk on cell phones, they drive like elderly people... which is interesting because the only thing more annoying than an elderly driver is a teenager talking on a cell phone.

Prison Mail
A U.S. appeals court has ruled that prison officials cannot stop mail catalogs from reaching prisoners in jail. That decision should keep the Victoria's Secret models employed for the next 70 years.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

State of the Union
Without all the breaks for applause, aides say President Bush's State of the Union address would run just 40 minutes. But without all the flag-waving and meaningless slogans, it would run just 2 minutes.

Top 5 Ways President Bush will Really Frighten Senior Citizens During the State of the Union

5) Propose 15% federal sales tax on early bird specials

4) Announce crazy plan to block cheaper prescription drugs from being imported into the U.S... oh wait, he's been doing that for four years!

3) Issue executive order to make the print even smaller in Reader's Digest

2) Announce huge FCC fines on Paul Harvey

1) Start the speech after 9 PM

Groundhog Day
Famed groundhog Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow this morning... which means at least six more weeks of jury selection in the Michael Jackson trial.

Hillary Collapse Explanation
Experts say that dehydration is what led to Senator Hillary Clinton's collapse while giving a speech this week. Boy, you'd think she would have learned from Bill how much trouble you can get into when you lose fluids!

Pope Sick
The Vatican says Pope John Paul II is expected to recover, but will remain in the hospital for the time being. That will give the Pontiff time to recover, Catholics time to pray for him, and most importantly, American TV news networks time to come up with the right kind of solemn music and graphics to run with the story.

Not Real
It turns out the photograph of a U.S. "soldier" supposedly kidnapped by Iraqi insurgents was really just a picture of an action figure. Journalists covering the story should have realized it was phony because not every American soldier really has the Kung Fu grip.

When Can We Leave?
Iraq's President Ghazi al-Yawer says it would be "complete nonsense" to ask U.S. troops to leave the country now. That's especially since they still need to perfect that naked Iraqi prisoner pyramid routine in time for next year's Super Bowl halftime show.

Fighting Democracy
Insurgent groups in Iraq criticized the elections and vowed a "jihad" to stifle the fledgling democracy. But experts say the best way to stifle an American-style democracy is to hire lots of high-priced lobbyists.

Saudi Elections
While Iraq's election received most of the attention this week, Saudi Arabia had their first nationwide ballot for a municipal council. The Saudi royal family is expected to use the lack of publicity as an excuse to delay real democracy for another 150 years.

Sunni's Join In
Iraq's Interim Prime Minister Iyad Allawi says Sunni Arabs should be given a meaningful role in forming a new government. Actually, he's hoping they'll do that great naked pyramid routine during his inaugural celebrations.

Chirac's Thumbs Up
French President Jacques Chirac has called President Bush to congratulate him on the successful elections in Iraq. But now that the French are praising U.S. policy there, Bush is ordering a full withdrawal.

Saddam Sits Out
Saddam Hussein had the right to vote in the Iraqi elections, but refused to participate. Insiders say Saddam was probably just upset that his favorite candidates were knocked out much earlier in the Fallujah Caucuses.

Young Brains
A new study suggests that the region of the brain that inhibits risky behavior is not fully formed until age 25. That helps explain the high car crash rate among teenagers, college violence, and why so many 10-year olds still think it's okay to visit the Neverland Ranch.

Hooking Career
Celebrated German prostitute Molly Luft says job center advisers should tell unemployed Germans not to shy away from careers in prostitution... but only if they're unemployed politicians.

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

The Carson Tribute Site is Updated! I have a new site where I keep Johnny's legend alive by channeling his monologues from Heaven, Tuesday through Friday, just like Johnny's old schedule. Here's the link: Carson's Monologues from Heaven

Top 5 Excuses to Get Out of Jury Duty in the Michael Jackson Trial

5) "It's not that I can't acquit Mr. Jackson, it's just that I can't look at him"

4) "I've been terrified of Mr. Jackson ever since he turned into a werewolf in that music video"

3) "I'm studying to be a plastic surgeon, so this would be a conflict of interest"

2) "I'm studying to be a mortician, so this would be a conflict of interest"

1) "I realize no one recognizes me anymore, but you can't pick me because I'm Michael Jackson's brother Jermaine!"

Hillary Collapse
Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton collapsed while delivering a speech in Buffalo yesterday. Well, now she knows what it's like to have to LISTEN to her talk.

Hillary Collapse 2
Senator Clinton collapsed while talking about the Republican agenda. Later, she insisted she wasn't ill, but simply wanted to demonstrate what President Bush's plans would do to Social Security.

Iraq Election Results
Results from Sunday's election in Iraq won't be known until next Monday or Tuesday. But that's only because of problems with the absentee votes from Florida and Ohio.

Ink-Stained Fingers
Iraqis who voted in Sunday's election were marked with ink-stained fingers to prevent them from voting more than once. But that could turn out to be a bad idea because considering how much clean water is available in Iraq, most Iraqis may not be able to get rid of those ink stains in time for the next election.

Baby Fined
Police in Oldham, England fined a 16 month-old boy 90 pounds for throwing an empty soda can out of his stroller. Unfortunately, the only way a kid that young can get that kind of money is by spending a weekend at the Neverland Ranch.

NBA star Carmelo Anthony is going to be one of the leaders of a new national anti-violence effort. Which means the first thing he has to do is quit the NBA.

Pataki Maid
It turns out the New York State GOP has been paying the salary for a private maid for Governor Pataki's family. The woman's job arrangement may be improper, but it does make her the only Republican in New York who actually works for a living.

New School
Russian children as young as six are getting lessons in detective work and criminal law at a school run by police in Moscow. The school is making a fortune training kids before they visit the Neverland Ranch.

Top 5 Reasons Acting New Jersey Governor Codey Isn't Running for Re-Election

5) Job isn't so great now that it's not so easy to get a cushy job for your gay boyfriends

4) Being Governor was just a stepping stone to achieving every New Jersey resident's dream: backup singer for Bon Jovi

3) It took a few months in the job to realize the real Governor of New Jersey is Tony Soprano

2) Only perk from the job is season tickets to the Jets

1) Disappointed official Governor's car is a Lincoln, not a Camaro

Sopranos Glossary
The basic cable network A&E has bought the rights to re-run episodes of "The Sopranos." But all the foul language will have to be cleaned up. The following is a quick guide to help viewers interpret the cleaner jargon:

Original Line: "That Motherf**ker is gonna pay!"

New Line: "I intend to extract revenge of a violent nature on that incestuous individual"

Original Line: "Sometimes, I just wanna f**k my shrink!"

New Line: "I often have intimate thoughts about my mental health care provider"

Original Line: "My kid is f**king some G*d-Damned college boy Jew!"

New Line: "I'm concerned that my daughter may be having a relationship with a person not of our faith."

Original Line: "Anyone who rats to the Feds is gonna get their b*lls cut off and shoved down their throat"

New Line: "All employees should remember to keep our business matters confidential"

Original Line: "We're all going to get l*aid at the Bada Bing!"

New Line: "Allow me to escort you to the local gentlemen's establishment"