Jackson Witness List
Michael Jackson's lawyers are putting several famous names on their witness list, including Liz Taylor, Corey Feldman, and Kobe Bryant. Apparently, the strategy is to bring so many screwed up celebrities into the courtroom so the jury will eventually think Michael
Jackson is almost normal.

NHL Season Saved?
The players union may have salvaged some part of the hockey season by finally agreeing to a salary cap. Most fans gave up on the season long ago, but this is great news for most of America's dentists.

Top 5 Reasons Binge Drinking is Highest in the Midwest

5) All of Ohio now realizes President Bush is their responsibility

4) Two words: "Chicago Cubs"

3) Drunkenness is the only way to maintain the birthrate in North Dakota

2) All men without a beer in Indiana assumed to be gay

1) No one in the Midwest can afford prescription drugs anymore

Taboo Wedding
In two months, 43-year old Mary Kay Letourneau will marry Vili Fualaau, the former elementary school student she started having sex with when he was just 12. Letourneau says she's doing it because she truly loves him, and Fualaau is just hoping to finally get an "A" in fractions.

Boiling Lobster Study
A new study from Norway concludes that Lobsters have little learning ability, and they cannot feel or recognize pain... meaning they are a lot like crabs, worms, and members of the Bush Administration.

SNL Guest Stars
Actress Hillary Swank will host "Saturday Night Live" this weekend, following the show hosted by Paris Hilton. Too bad Hilton doesn't have some of Swank's talent, elegance, or a role in a movie where we get to see someone beat her senseless.

Mystery Ring
The Salvation Army is still looking for the person who dropped an engagement ring worth $400 in one of its kettles during the holidays. Of course, they could narrow the search down by realizing that any man who bought an engagement ring worth $400 is probably still single.

Frist Gives Up?
Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist now says that he will probably not try to lead the fight for a Constitutional Amendment to ban gay marriage this year... but he won't be entirely sure until he answers that personal ad in the Village Voice.

Road Test Horror
Officials in Georgia say that a driver's education instructor was run over by one of her students and pinned beneath the car for 15 minutes. That student will definitely fail the road test... unless she's somehow related to President Bush or Ted Kennedy.

Knife On-Board
A New Jersey woman says she had a butcher knife in her bag on a flight out of Newark, because she put it there "just in case" before a blind date earlier that week. Security officials believed her story because she is Lorena Bobbit.

Favorite Things
According to a new survey, the number one thing women would do if they had unlimited hours is to read, while men said "passionate sex." Considering the way most men make love, there's no reason why most couples shouldn't be able to do both those things at once.