Top 5 Real Reasons the Pope is Considering Retirement

5) Might be nice to open a window and not have half a million people looking at you for once

4) White has never been his color... he's more of an "autumn" actually

3) Wants to move to luxurious Church-owned resort in California, but only if Bush lays off Social Security

2) Pretty sure he can get box seats to Notre Dame football home games

1) Could be fun to test that "Papal Infallibility" theory at all the high-stakes tables in Vegas

Peace Deal
Major progress was made in the Israeli-Palestinian peace talks today. Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas promised to halt all attacks on Israel, and Israeli Prime Minister Sharon promised not to eat him.

Special Concession
Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas and Israeli Prime Minister have agreed to a cease fire, but Sharon has imposed some conditions. They include demands that the Palestinians stop terror attacks, arrest more terrorists, and keep Hanan Ashrawi off CNN during meal times.

Happy Times
Observers at the Sharon-Abbas meeting today say there was a great atmosphere during the talks with plenty of "laughs and smiles." But that was only because the two men spent most of their time swapping their favorite Suha Arafat jokes.

Future Issues
There are still many tough issues that have to be hammered out for the Israeli-Palestinian peace talks to continue. The most difficult items are whether to release Palestinian prisoners held in Israeli jails, whether Israeli forces will withdraw from the West Bank, and whether New York City should build a new stadium for the Jets.

Bush Mideast
President Bush will meet this spring with Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas and Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon. The announcement signals either a second-term interest in the Mideast peace process, or a realization that no one can screw this up more than it already is.

Marley Memorial
Rastafarians from around the world joined tens of thousands of Ethiopians this week at a concert marking the 60th anniversary of reggae legend Bob Marley's birth. It was the most incense ever burned in one place since last year's freshman orientation at U.C. Berkeley.

Cosby Affair
Bill Cosby now admits to having a consensual relationship with the Canadian woman accusing him of drugging and groping her. Cosby says he first approached the woman to lecture her about good parenting, but later just decided to rip off her clothes.

Bush Budget Secrets
President Bush's $2.57 trillion budget doesn't even mention some of the most expensive programs it will fund anyway. That includes $80 billion for the costs of military operations in Iraq and Afghanistan, and the $500 million it will cost to get someone to give Armstrong Williams a real job.

Cheney Won't Run
In an interview on Fox News Sunday, Vice President Dick Cheney insisted he won't run for President in 2008. Well of course he won't... why would he want to go through the whole election process when he's already been running the country for the last five years anyway?

Reverend Nabbed
A preacher was convicted this week of stealing nearly $9 million from hundreds of small, black churches across the country... but enough about the Sharpton presidential campaign.

NASA Squeezed
The money allotted to NASA in President Bush's 2006 budget will not be enough money to keep the Hubble Telescope operational. But astronomers at the space agency could cut back on the telescope's workload, and stop using it to spy on girls.