Tuesday, February 01, 2005

The Carson Tribute Site is Updated! I have a new site where I keep Johnny's legend alive by channeling his monologues from Heaven, Tuesday through Friday, just like Johnny's old schedule. Here's the link: Carson's Monologues from Heaven

Top 5 Excuses to Get Out of Jury Duty in the Michael Jackson Trial

5) "It's not that I can't acquit Mr. Jackson, it's just that I can't look at him"

4) "I've been terrified of Mr. Jackson ever since he turned into a werewolf in that music video"

3) "I'm studying to be a plastic surgeon, so this would be a conflict of interest"

2) "I'm studying to be a mortician, so this would be a conflict of interest"

1) "I realize no one recognizes me anymore, but you can't pick me because I'm Michael Jackson's brother Jermaine!"

Hillary Collapse
Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton collapsed while delivering a speech in Buffalo yesterday. Well, now she knows what it's like to have to LISTEN to her talk.

Hillary Collapse 2
Senator Clinton collapsed while talking about the Republican agenda. Later, she insisted she wasn't ill, but simply wanted to demonstrate what President Bush's plans would do to Social Security.

Iraq Election Results
Results from Sunday's election in Iraq won't be known until next Monday or Tuesday. But that's only because of problems with the absentee votes from Florida and Ohio.

Ink-Stained Fingers
Iraqis who voted in Sunday's election were marked with ink-stained fingers to prevent them from voting more than once. But that could turn out to be a bad idea because considering how much clean water is available in Iraq, most Iraqis may not be able to get rid of those ink stains in time for the next election.

Baby Fined
Police in Oldham, England fined a 16 month-old boy 90 pounds for throwing an empty soda can out of his stroller. Unfortunately, the only way a kid that young can get that kind of money is by spending a weekend at the Neverland Ranch.

NBA star Carmelo Anthony is going to be one of the leaders of a new national anti-violence effort. Which means the first thing he has to do is quit the NBA.

Pataki Maid
It turns out the New York State GOP has been paying the salary for a private maid for Governor Pataki's family. The woman's job arrangement may be improper, but it does make her the only Republican in New York who actually works for a living.

New School
Russian children as young as six are getting lessons in detective work and criminal law at a school run by police in Moscow. The school is making a fortune training kids before they visit the Neverland Ranch.

Top 5 Reasons Acting New Jersey Governor Codey Isn't Running for Re-Election

5) Job isn't so great now that it's not so easy to get a cushy job for your gay boyfriends

4) Being Governor was just a stepping stone to achieving every New Jersey resident's dream: backup singer for Bon Jovi

3) It took a few months in the job to realize the real Governor of New Jersey is Tony Soprano

2) Only perk from the job is season tickets to the Jets

1) Disappointed official Governor's car is a Lincoln, not a Camaro

Sopranos Glossary
The basic cable network A&E has bought the rights to re-run episodes of "The Sopranos." But all the foul language will have to be cleaned up. The following is a quick guide to help viewers interpret the cleaner jargon:

Original Line: "That Motherf**ker is gonna pay!"

New Line: "I intend to extract revenge of a violent nature on that incestuous individual"

Original Line: "Sometimes, I just wanna f**k my shrink!"

New Line: "I often have intimate thoughts about my mental health care provider"

Original Line: "My kid is f**king some G*d-Damned college boy Jew!"

New Line: "I'm concerned that my daughter may be having a relationship with a person not of our faith."

Original Line: "Anyone who rats to the Feds is gonna get their b*lls cut off and shoved down their throat"

New Line: "All employees should remember to keep our business matters confidential"

Original Line: "We're all going to get l*aid at the Bada Bing!"

New Line: "Allow me to escort you to the local gentlemen's establishment"


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