Top 10 Lesser-Known Oscar Categories

10) Best Chick Flick

9) Best Anorexic actress

8) Most Cheesy Song that has Nothing to do with the Film it's in

7) Best Actor in a Child Support-Paying Role

6) Best Sound and Drink Mixing

5) Best Theft of a Screenplay Somebody Else Wrote

4) Best Disgraced Nominee for Director of Homeland Security

3) Best Score with an Extra in an Actor's Trailer (short feature)

2) Best Makeup on an Actress Just out of Rehab

1) Best Heterosexual Costume Designer (not awarded since 1927)

NYC Subway Fire
After this weekend's fire, the MTA says getting service back to normal on the "C" subway line could take up to 5 years... or about the time it currently takes for most commuters to get home on the "C" line.

Top 5 Reasons it Will Take 5 Years to Repair the "C" Line

5) Construction unions need three years just to come up with a really good kickback scheme

4) Need to find someone who was alive in 1895 to explain how the darned thing was put together in the first place

3) City needs to focus on more important things, like a $1.4 billion stadium for the Jets

2) Can't disturb natural homeless persons' wildlife habitat

1) All that noise makes the rats angry

Bible Ad
Rolling Stone Magazine has decided to run an ad for the Holy Bible after originally rejecting the idea last month. The editors changed their minds after they actually read the Bible and found out it has a lot of sex in it.

Top 5 Things Picked up by the Secret Bug Found in Nicole Kidman's Home

5) "My publicist says I have to start dating Colin Farrell by the end of next month"

4) "I'm not pretending I'm not gay... I'm pretending to be pretending that I'm not gay"

3) "It's a good thing no one ever hears me speaking in my natural Brooklyn accent"

2) "Thank God I didn't take that 'Catwoman' role"

1) "Three more days, and then I can eat!"

Drug Price Hike
The major prescription drug makers have all boosted their prices over the last few weeks. The pharmaceutical companies say they need to make as much of a profit on their drugs before the FDA finds out they all cause heart disease.

Shiite Promise
Shiite leaders in Iraq say that if they are elected to office this Sunday, they'll create a strictly secular government. The announcement is outraging millions of Iraqis who were counting on free parking in downtown Baghdad during Ramadan.

Democrat Tire Slash
Republicans are responding with anger after Democratic activists in Wisconsin were charged with slashing the tires of vans rented by the GOP to drive voters to the polls on Election Day. The state Republican party is mostly outraged that it didn't think of doing that to the Democrats first.

Colorado Budget Cuts
Cuts in the University of Colorado's budget are forcing the school to stop the practice of chartering planes for the men's basketball team so they won't miss classes. No wonder the school is having budget problems... I mean they actually have classes for the men's basketball team!

Cool Mom?
A 40-year-old Denver woman has admitted to having sex with her teenage son's friends and holding "drug parties" at her home. The woman says she just wanted to be cool, fun, and find some way to help the Republicans win the next several elections.