Rice's Talents
Condoleezza Rice is expected to be a great advocate for the United States as Secretary of State. That's because if she could explain U.S. policy to President Bush for the last four years, then she can explain it to anybody.

Condoleezza Rice's Top 5 Priorities for the Next 4 Years

5) Distribute pearl earrings and necklaces for the citizens of all third world nations

4) Try not to "accidentally" call President Bush her husband again

3) Get those untidy Tsunami victims to clean up their mess before supper

2) Make sure the world's children practice more before each piano lesson

1) Get the Treasury Department to pay her enormous dental bills

Kerik is Coming
Shamed former Homeland Security nominee Bernard Kerik has still been invited to President Bush's inaugural festivities. The celebrations are perfect for Kerik because with 14 different inaugural balls, it's the only way he can show all his wives and mistresses a really good time.

Summer's Controversy
Harvard president Lawrence Summers is being attacked for suggesting that there may be biological reasons for why women don't excel in math and science. But experts say biology is a factor, because women are discouraged from staying in math and science classes by all the geeky male students slobbering over them.

MLK Day
As millions of Americans return to work today, many of them are still thinking about the Reverend Martin Luther King Jr. A man who fought for civil rights, equality, and a long holiday weekend in January so White folks could go skiing.

Iraq Vote
Critics say many of the people voting in Iraq's election will actually be Iraqis now living in the United States casting absentee ballots. But since the largest Iraqi-American community is in Detroit, most of the absentee voters certainly will know what it's like to live in a war zone.

Fear Factor Attractions
Universal theme parks is opening a new attraction called "Fear Factor Live," where park visitors can participate in challenges like those on the NBC show. Actually, visitors have been doing that at the parks' snack bars for years.