Abbas Wins
Now that he's won the Palestinian presidential election, Mahmoud Abbas faces serious challenges ahead. But first, he has to avoid being hit by all the bullets his supporters have been shooting into the air since yesterday.

Pro-Life Democrat
Former Congressman Tim Roemer, who is pro-life, is actively trying to become the new Chairman of the Democratic National Committee. Hey, maybe if they choose a pro-life party chairman, the Democrats' next presidential campaign won't end up being such an abortion.

Tsunami Debt Relief
Many of the world's leading banks are freezing debt repayments from the countries hardest hit by the tsunami disaster. In hopes of getting the same treatment, Donald Trump is flooding all of his casinos.

Top 5 Other Secret Bush Administration Payoffs

5) Elmo paid three cookies a day to act a little less gay

4) Major news networks given major tax breaks in return for hiring reporters with no curiosity, guts

3) Mets paid millions of dollars to keep making Bush administration look relatively organized

2) Rush Limbaugh treated to daily all-you-Can-Eat Oxycontin & Twinkie Buffet

1) Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie paid to travel country, look dumber than the President

CBS Firings
Four CBS executives were fired today for the "60 Minutes" story about President Bush's National Guard service based on forged documents. Luckily, they were all immediately hired by Michael Moore.

Hooker Snitch
A prostitute turned in a customer after seeing child pornography on the man's home computer. But defense lawyers are arguing her testimony should be thrown out because it breaks the rules of "Hooker-John" privilege.