TO ALL MY READERS: Thanks for visiting this site in 2004, and I hope you'll enjoy my work in 2005. In the coming year I resolve to get on staff at Letterman, Conan, or The Daily Show, so the rest of America can enjoy what you have seen for so long already. Please wish me luck and pass my name on to anyone who enjoys comedy!

New Year's Eve
Outgoing Secretary of State Colin Powell will throw the switch to start the ball dropping in Times Square tonight. It'll be the first time in 4 years that Powell does something that will actually have a visible effect.

New Year's Eve II
Security will be tight for New Year's Eve with a "no fly" rule over New York City. Actually, US Airways has been observing that restriction since Christmas.

Top 5 Dangerous Things the NYPD is Looking for in Times Square Tonight

5) Bernie Kerik's ex-mistresses

4) Red state tourists who loudly ask: "Where's all the gay people at?"

3) Janet Jackson's other breast

2) Anyone who had Jason Giambi on their fantasy baseball team

1) Deranged drivers who think they can get across town on New Year's Eve

Singing Traders
Every year on the final day of trading, workers on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange sing the 19th century song, "Wait 'til the Sun Shines, Nellie," in hopes of bringing in better times for the future. But this year the song has been changed to the more appropriate, "We're Waiting 'till You Go to Albany, Mr. Spitzer."