Wednesday, January 05, 2005

WEB ALERT!! A new satirical story venting my frustration over the unbalanced coverage of the tsunami victims has been published on the Fake News web site! Here's the link: The Fake News

Condom Test
A new study has rated Durex Condoms the #1 condoms on the market. That's funny, after last night I thought the Trojans were #1.

USC Wins it All
USC claimed a second straight national college football championship after they beat Oklahoma 55-19 last night. The 55 points are pretty impressive for coach Pete Carroll's Trojans; even Bill Clinton and Bernie Kerik's Trojans never scored that much in one night.

Tsunami Image
The tsunami disaster is helping the U.S. improve its standing in the world. Not because Americans are doing the most to help the victims, it's just that now there's finally a part of the world that's more of a mess than Iraq.

Leonardo's Horror
Actor Leonardo DiCaprio, who starred in the 2000 movie "The Beach," revisited the Thai island where the movie was set and says he's "never seen such horrific devastation." But that's only because he never actually saw "The Beach."

Tsunami Pedophiles
The good news is that several celebrities are promising to go to Thailand to save child tsunami victims from pedophiles. The bad news is they're R.Kelly, Paula Poundstone and Michael Jackson.

Secret Candidates
Reports say most of the candidates in the Iraqi elections are actually in hiding and have been trying to do their campaigning in secret. Well, it worked for Dick Cheney!

New Ethics Rules
The House has a new rule that will now require a majority vote of its 10-member ethics committee before any complaint against a Congressman can be investigated. Critics say the only problem with the bill is that a majority of the Congressmen on the ethics committee still don't actually know what ethics are.

Top 5 Best Ways to Catch New York's Worst Criminals

5) Throw a party for Bernie Kerik, then arrest all his friends

4) Set up a web site with pictures of the most-wanted... then to get people to actually visit the site, throw in some free porn

3) Throw a party for Martha Stewart, then arrest all her friends

2) Send off-duty cops to all the city OTB parlors at 1 PM every weekday... oh wait, they're all already there

1) Offer everyone free Mets season tickets; anyone who takes them can be locked up for being dangerously insane

Playboy's iBod
Instead of listening to music during your morning drive to work, Playboy is now offering nude pictures that people can download on their iPods. In a related story, Playboy has bought a controlling interest in every auto repair shop in America.

Pregnancy Hoax
The 59-year-old great-grandmother from Georgia who made dozens of newspapers and cable news shows when she said she was pregnant with twins, is not really pregnant. Her family says she has some mental disabilities, but it's not clear if they're as serious as the mental disabilities afflicting the people at the newspapers and cable news shows who covered this story.


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