Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Top 5 Things Being Done to Welcome New Yankee Randy Johnson

5) 25% more headroom on all subway trains

4) Sen. Hillary Clinton will prove how much of Yankee fan she really is and actually go to a game... ah, who are we kidding?

3) Parks Commission will allow hunting and fishing in Central Park

2) Gay bars in Chelsea will serve new drink called "The Randy Johnson," oh wait, they already do that!

1) Huge unused City property will be given to Johnson for a new home... it's called "Shea Stadium

Tsunami Donations
To help the tsunami relief effort, actress Sandra Bullock is making a $1 million donation to the Red Cross. And in a similar act of mercy, Sylvester Stallone is promising not to make any more movies.

Top 5 Valuable Items Hollywood is Donating to Tsunami Relief Efforts

5) Paris Hilton's entirely unused brain

4) All the food Calista Flockhart hasn't eaten in the last 6 months

3) J. Lo's engagement ring collection

2) Michael Jackson's original face

1) Liza Minnelli's weekly liquor allowance

Tsunami Coverage
CNN is earning kudos for its quick and extensive coverage of the tsunamis, while rival FOX News Channel took a while to get correspondents on the scene. FOX says it's not that it doesn't care about the victims, it just needed a few days to figure out how to blame the disaster on Hillary Clinton.

Tsunami Toll
The death toll in the Asian tsunami disaster continues to climb near 200,000... but the most important news is still the condition of supermodel Petra Nemcova, who is still feeling some slight discomfort.

Iraqi Explosion
Two more American soldiers and some Iraqi civilians were killed in another car bomb blast today. But there will be no more coverage of insurgent attacks in Iraq unless a supermodel is injured.

Powell and Jeb
Secretary of State Colin Powell and Florida Governor Jeb Bush are continuing their vigorous efforts in Southeast Asia. Powell is still struggling to keep relief supplies flowing, while Bush is still trying to score some higher-quality drugs for his daughter Noel.

Amber's Thoughts
Amber Frey says she sometimes wonders if Scott Peterson still thinks about her. Peterson's fellow inmates say he probably does, especially because he shouts, "Why couldn't Amber Frey keep her god-damned mouth shut?!?!", 100 times every night.

Mad Cow Scare
Canada says its latest mad cow scare was just a false alarm. It turns out the cow was just angry about the NHL lockout, and calmed down after getting free tickets to a junior hockey game a few days later.

Chinese Cars
Chinese-made cars will be sold in the U.S. for the first time later this year. Ironically, the inexpensive vehicles are being marketed to American autoworkers whose jobs have been outsourced to China.

Angels Change
The owner of the Anaheim Angels is changing the team's name to the "Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim," saying using changing the city name on the team will improve revenues. Well, that explains why I've been shopping at "The Beverly Hills Wal-Mart of Inglewood."


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