Newsday Alert!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" column in today's Newsday! Here's the link: Newsday

Gonzales Hearing
During today's Senate confirmation hearings, Attorney General-Designate Alberto Gonzales was criticized by some Senators for favoring some forms of torture. But critics say those same Senators obviously favor some forms of torture too... like making people sit through Senate hearings.

Top 5 Torture Devices Allegedly Favored By Alberto Gonzales

5) Ashlee Simpson CD's

4) Mets season tickets

3) FCC rule book

2) Room full of loud cell phone talkers

1) MSNBC

Yates Ruling
Child-killer Andrea Yates is getting a new trial after her lawyers proved a prosecution witness based his testimony on an episode of "Law and Order" that never really existed. Meanwhile, Robert Blake's lawyers are trying to prove the charges against him are all based on a bad episode of "Beretta."

Mets Offer
Officials from the New York Mets have gone to Puerto Rico to offer all-star Carlos Beltran a $105 million contract. So if talks with Beltran break down, they can always just buy Puerto Rico.

Evel Suit
A judge has thrown out Evel Knievel's lawsuit against ESPN.com for using the caption "pimp" under his picture. The court said no one would think Knievel is really a pimp because everyone knows pimps break OTHER people's bones, not their own.

Reserve Crisis
The head of the Army Reserves says dealing with reservists who actually don't want to serve is compromising the military. It's almost as bad as having to deal with all the active-duty soldiers in Iraq who actually don't want to be killed.

Save the Children
Several U.S. agencies are swooping in to help newly-orphaned tsunami victims. The State Department is trying to re-unite them with extended family, the Peace Corps is trying to save them from pedophiles, and the Pentagon is trying to draft them.

Lawsuit Attack
President Bush is lashing out at malpractice lawsuits again. Bush says frivolous suits boost the cost of hospitalization, make doctors too cautious, and delay the release of all the great new painkillers that will eventually give you a heart attack.