Friday, January 07, 2005

Gere Plea
Actor Richard Gere is appearing in TV commercials urging Palestinians to vote in this weekend's elections, but many Palestinians say they don't know who Gere is and they wish he'd leave them alone. So, there is something Palestinians have in common with Americans after all!

Top 10 Mahmoud Abbas Election Slogans

10) "Abbas: Ending Corruption, Because There's No More Money Left to Steal"

9) "Less Hamas, More Humus!"

8) (For the teen voters): "He's Putting the Gazazzle to the Ramallazzle"

7) "Abbas: He's FATAH-istic!"

6) "Read My Lips... No New Secret Bank Accounts"

5) "Blowing Up the Bridge to the 21st Century"

4) "A Kinder, Gentler Anti-Semite"

3) "Don't Stop Thinking About... Resolution 242"

2) "It's Time for a Leader Who Shaves"

1) "Who's Your Abbas?!?"

Inaugural Strike?
Maids and cooks at all the major Washington hotels are threatening to strike just before the inauguration, inconveniencing thousands of tourists set to arrive in the Capital. Now, Bush supporters from the red states will have to bring their slaves with them just in case.

They See Dead People
Both Michael Keaton in the new movie "White Noise," and Patricia Arquette in the new NBC show "Medium" play people in contact with the dead. Coincidentally, everyone who watches these productions will be in contact with actors whose careers are dead.

Tut Investigation
King Tut's body has been subjected to a CT scan to find out how he really died. Historians are hoping to find out more about ancient Egyptian politics, archaeologists are hoping to learn more about ancient weapons, and CBS executives are hoping this will be a good excuse to launch another "CSI" spin-off.

Top 5 Real Reasons King Tut Died at 17

5) Distracted by his chariot radio while in heavy Cairo traffic

4) Extreme depression after getting kicked out of leading Egyptian "boy band"

3) Ancient herbal painkillers actually caused heart disease

2) Lost a duel to Strom Thurmond

1) Killed by Egyptian mobsters after he uncovered Pyramid construction kickback scheme

Radio Bribe
Talk show host Armstrong Williams now admits the Bush administration paid him $240,000 to promote the "No Child Left Behind" program on his radio show. Critics are calling it a waste of taxpayer money, not because it was propaganda, but because nobody actually listens to Armstrong Williams.


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