Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Abbas Invitation
President Bush says he will invite newly-elected Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas to the White House, something he never did for Yasser Arafat... but that's only because Arafat always came with Mrs. Arafat.

Biggest Loser
The weight-busting reality show "The Biggest Loser," hosted by Caroline Rhea, broadcast its live finale last night. A man who lost 122 pounds was technically declared the winner, but everyone who watched the show agreed that the real biggest loser is obviously Caroline Rhea.

New iPod
Apple is introducing a new $99 iPod. It can store 120 songs, fits in your pocket, and it makes everyone who paid three times as much for an iPod just last month feel like a huge idiot.

Torture Case
A lawyer for the accused ringleader in the Iraq prisoner-abuse scandal compared putting naked prisoners into pyramids to cheerleaders saying, "Don't cheerleaders form pyramids? Is that torture?" As a matter of fact, yes... yes it is.

Macaulay's Testimony
Former child actor Macaulay Culkin is willing to testify that Michael Jackson never molested him during his many childhood sleepovers at Neverland. But first, Culkin has to come out of his drug-induced, memory-destroying stupor.

New Mad Cow
Another cow suffering from Mad Cow disease has been found in Canada. But the government says no part of the cow has been converted into any edible food product... which still means it could be on the grill at Jack in the Box right now.

Rosie Objects
Rosie O'Donnell is blasting the U.S. Supreme Court's refusal to toss out a Florida law banning gay adoption. But the court defended the decision by saying it only did it to make sure no more children are adopted by Rosie O'Donnell.

Cuba Oil
A very large crude-oil deposit has been discovered off the coast of Cuba. Now that oil can be used to fulfill the dreams of thousands of Cubans, who will use the fuel to power the hundreds of motorboats they'll use to escape from Cuba

Cell Phone Warning
A new study says parents should not give mobile phones to children as a precaution against radiation. And it's also a good idea not to give mobile phones to children as a precaution against going bankrupt.

Ridge Warning
Outgoing Homeland Security chief Tom Ridge says his department will use a number of different methods to deter terrorists from infiltrating President Bush's second inaugural next week. But apparently nothing will scare them off more than the $35,000 they're charging every person to attend President Bush's second inaugural.


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