Tuesday, January 11, 2005

WEB ALERT!!! I have a new satirical piece published on The Fake News Web site! Here's the link: The Fake News

New Homeland Security Chief
President Bush has nominated Judge Michael Chertoff to become the new Homeland Security Secretary, even though Chertoff has no management experience. But if that were important to President Bush, he never would have run for office himself.

Top 5 Ways Career Lawyer Michael Chertoff Will Stop Terrorism

5) Boost billable hours and drive al Qaeda out of business

4) Treat Guantanamo detainees like 1st-year associates, and make them work 80 hours a week as glorified clerks

3) Give suspected terrorists killer Torts exams

2) Force al Qaeda members to write a legal brief on the best late-night take out places in Manhattan

1) Ignore the terrorists like most lawyers ignore their clients... and they'll eventually go away

Brian Williams Humor
Since he took over from Tom Brokaw, NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams has been trying to work some of his own humor into the broadcast. But critics say NBC should first try to work some humor into "Saturday Night Live."

Dustin Desperate?
Dustin Hoffman is denying a report that he is about to leave the US and live in London to escape George W. Bush's second term. But President Bush is confirming that he will be leaving the U.S. right after his second term to avoid Dustin Hoffman

Top 5 Reasons Randy Johnson Stopped a Local CBS-TV News Crew from Taking His Picture

5) Angry over the way CBS handled President Bush's National Guard records

4) Pouting over the attention going to new Met Carlos Beltran

3) Doesn't want anyone to see the six guys he pays just to carry his wallet around

2) Was on his way into "Bed, Bath and Beyond"

1) Have you seen what Randy Johnson looks like?

FOX Blocker
A new device is being sold called FOXBlocker, which attaches to cable boxes and keeps you from watching the Fox News Channel. Of course most people already have something that should help them avoid watching the FOX News Channel... it's called a "brain."

Dumb Directions
The winner of the annual award for the most obvious consumer warning label was the sign on a toilet brush saying, "Do not use for personal hygiene." But the people who thought that label was superfluous obviously don't know Jessica Simpson.

Mapes Complaint
After CBS fired producer Mary Mapes for the Bush National Guard memo forgery scandal, Mapes said she was the victim of "scapegoating." The network denies that, especially since they also say Mapes is responsible for "Two and a Half Men," "Listen Up," and Janet Jackson's breasts.

Pitt Decision
Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston spent a New Year's vacation on a secluded Caribbean beach, even though they had already decided to divorce. But that's just because they were too cheap to pay the cancellation charges.

DNA Dragnet
Hoping for a break in an unsolved mystery, police in Truro, Massachusetts are asking the entire male population to voluntarily give DNA samples. Most men are not in favor of complying, except for the town's 14 to 17-year old boys who seem to be very anxious to give their sperm samples.


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