Top 5 Signs Spongebob Squarepants Isn't Gay

5) Lives in a place called "Bikini Bottom," not "Thong Bottom"

4) Works as a waiter, but doesn't tell people he's "really an actor"

3) Never wears black

2) His restaurant doesn't serve sour apple martinis

1) Actually does wear underwear

Abbas Acts
Mahmoud Abbas is hoping to stop Palestinian terror attacks by sending 2,000 troops to cover 45 square miles of the border with Israel. The other 100 square miles will be covered by Suha Arafat.

Powell Quits
FCC Chairman Michael Powell is stepping down. Now that his daddy is headed to the private sector, he has to be ready to trade the government job he didn't deserve for a cushy corporate job he doesn't deserve.

NYC Snowstorm
With snow already on the ground, another big snowstorm is headed for New York this weekend . The city hasn't been this covered in white since the Republican National Convention.

Cheating Defense
The Defense Department is developing a fingerprinting system to prevent infantry recruits from getting someone else to take aptitude tests for them. That's because the Pentagon only wants stupid people planning the war, not fighting it.

Strip Club Expansion
The owner of a chain of high-end strip clubs in Texas is having trouble opening a new location in New York City. But if he can't buy a new facility, he can just try to take over the action at Bernard Kerik's apartments.

Pressure on the Eagles
This Sunday, the Philadelphia Eagles will try to avoid becoming the first team to lose 4 straight conference championship games. But if the Eagles do lose, their head coach will automatically become the leading candidate to chair the Democratic National Committee.

O.J.'s Daughter Busted
O.J. Simpson's 19 year-old daughter was arrested at a high school basketball game in Miami after police say she slapped an officer. Now all her lawyers need to do prove is how Mark Fuhrman was able to plant the slap marks on the cop's face from 2,000 miles away.

Elephant Toilet Training
Elephant handlers in Thailand have started teaching the animals to defecate in a huge toilet. The process is showing some success, despite continued picketing by proud members of the Elephant Dung-Cleaning Union.

Dirty Water
Random tests of the water aboard 169 U.S. passenger planes found contamination by fecal bacteria on 17% of them. But frequent fliers doubt those results, because they say they're forced to eat sh*t on 100% of their flights.