Newsday Alert!!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" column of Newsday today! Here's the Link: Newsday

And Don't Forget My New Carson Tribute Site! I have a new site where I keep Johnny's legend alive by channeling his monologues from Heaven. Here's the link: Carson's Monologues from Heaven

Top 10 PBS Shows if the GOP Had it's Way

10) "Monster Truck Theater"

9) "The Antique Roadshow, Starring William Rehnquist"

8) "Tonight on 'Nova: ' Disproving Evolution"

7) "Shakespeare in the Trailer Park"

6) "Mister Rogers' Restricted Neighborhood"

5) "The Now-Privatized Electric Company"

4) "It's Really Jesus' World, Elmo"

3) "Thomas the Tank, Humvee, and Aircraft Carrier Engine"

2) "Spongebob Straight Pants"

1) "The Armstrong Williams NewsHour"

Truckers vs. Terrorists
The government is trying to enlist truck drivers in the battle against terrorism. But the truckers aren't expected to help much, since terrorists don't communicate with each other with CB radios anymore.

Subway Improvements
New York City now says it will repair the antiquated subway control station damaged by this weekend's fire and replace it with a state of the art computerized system. Now we only need someone to burn down the Board of Education.

Dead Cabbie
A 70-year-old cab driver who died in his taxi just as a blizzard hit New York went undiscovered for three days as snow piled over his vehicle. His passenger is okay, but is now liable for the $5,370.65 fare on the meter.

Auschwitz Memorial
French, Russian, and Ukrainian leaders are expressing their outrage during today's ceremonies marking the 60th anniversary of the liberation of Auschwitz. The politicians are apparently mostly angry that the Germans thought of building it first.

Katsav at Auschwitz
Israeli President Moshe Katsav is attending the Auschwitz ceremonies, and expressing his extreme sadness and horror. Not only because of what happened there 60 years ago, but because all the French and Russian politicians at Auschwitz keep insisting he "bring some of his friends and stay awhile."

Polish Polls
Even as the world marks the anniversary of the liberation of Auschwitz, the latest surveys show that the Polish people overwhelmingly believe that Polish Jews exert way too much power in their society... yeah, all three of them.