Monday, February 07, 2005

Halftime Show Safe
As expected, Paul McCartney's halftime show at the Super Bowl was not marred by any wardrobe malfunctions. But the real surprise was that the 62-year old singer didn't have any hip, knee, or prostate malfunctions.

Super Performance
After saying God healed him of a serious injury in time for the game, Philadelphia wide receiver Terrell Owens had 9 catches for 122 yards in the Super Bowl. Owens' performance is finally raising hopes that God might be able to do something for AIDS, cancer, and tsunami victims.

Top 5 Things Overheard During the Super Bowl

5) "Gentlemen, if we see Janet Jackson, the FCC has given us the go-ahead to shoot first and ask questions later."

4) "I don't care how many commercials you've done Mrs. McNabb, I'm not eating any more of that crappy soup!"

3) "It is the Super Bowl, coach Belichick, at least wear a CLEAN hoodie."

2) "Would you like another bong hit before you take the stage Sir McCartney?"

1) "Terrell, this is God... we need to talk!"

Bush Budget Cuts
President Bush's new budget plan calls for deep cuts in domestic spending, including eliminating a $225 million program to promote literacy. Experts say this was not unexpected, especially since Mr. Bush's entire career proves just how little Americans need literacy to succeed.

Top 5 New Programs in President Bush's New $2.5 Trillion Budget

5) $12 billion set aside to import cheaper prescription drugs from Canada... but only for Dick Cheney

4) $315 million needed to continue covering up Iraqi genitals in pictures from Abu Ghraib

3) Subsidies for poor farmers sacrificed for continued subsidies for rich conservative radio commentators... oh wait, that's not new!

2) $100 million set aside for RAND Corp. study on "New Ways to Scare the Old People"

1) Entire budget needed for eventual successful invasion of Cuba... three bucks

Title Town
The Red Sox won the World Series, and now the Patriots have won their third Super Bowl in four years. Boston fans are getting so used to this, they may not even start a riot tonight.

Title Town II
With the Patriots' third Super Bowl victory in four years and the Red Sox World Series title, Boston seems to have completely shed its image of a "loser" town. But experts say that won't really happen as long as John Kerry and Michael Dukakis keep living there.

Guardswomen Demoted
A female National Guard soldier has been punished for indecent exposure after competing in a mud-wrestling party at Camp Bucca in Iraq. The Pentagon says the woman has been reprimanded, demoted, and selected as the perfect new commander of the Abu Ghraib prison.


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