Top 5 Abuses Discovered in the $64 Billion UN Oil-for-Food Program

5) Half the money used to pay New York City parking tickets

4) All oil delivery contracts awarded to Halliburton on a no-bid basis... now where did the UN get THAT idea?

3) Funds diverted to buy interest in Yasser Arafat's bowling alleys on Long Island

2) Most of the money paid out in singles so UN officials could tip strippers

1) All food sent to Iraq cooked by Martha Stewart

Harry's Ghost
Leona Helmsley says her late husband Harry is speaking to her through her dog. That's because after living with her for all those years, he definitely knows how to speak Bitch.

Jacko Jury Questions
Potential jurors at Michael Jackson's child molestation trial are being asked if they've ever had experiences with inappropriate sexual behavior, cancer, lawsuits and people of different races. But to be really fair, they should also be asked if they've ever seen a ghost, space alien, or more than 10 episodes of "The Swan."

Great Rent
A Manhattan woman is going to court to keep the lease to her $100 a year rental apartment, which would normally rent for $3500 a month. And now that the rest of New York City knows about her rent situation, the woman should also go to court to get police protection.

No Star Trek
UPN has announced that "Star Trek: Enterprise" will be canceled at the end of this season, marking the first time in 18 years that there will be no new Star Trek shows. Star Trek fans will now have to just watch re-runs, which is something they are not at all familiar with or comfortable doing in any way.

Creation Museum
An exhibit at the new Creation Museum explains how Tyrannosaurus Rex existed at the time of Adam and Eve and was created by the "terror that Adam's sin unleashed." Another exhibit explains that Dodo birds went extinct because they were gay.

Best Actors
According to a list by GQ magazine, Russell Crowe, Johnny Depp, Nicolas Cage and Clive Owen are the "greatest actors of their generation." Of course that would be the drunken, over-dramatic, narcissistic generation.