State of the Union
Without all the breaks for applause, aides say President Bush's State of the Union address would run just 40 minutes. But without all the flag-waving and meaningless slogans, it would run just 2 minutes.

Top 5 Ways President Bush will Really Frighten Senior Citizens During the State of the Union

5) Propose 15% federal sales tax on early bird specials

4) Announce crazy plan to block cheaper prescription drugs from being imported into the U.S... oh wait, he's been doing that for four years!

3) Issue executive order to make the print even smaller in Reader's Digest

2) Announce huge FCC fines on Paul Harvey

1) Start the speech after 9 PM

Groundhog Day
Famed groundhog Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow this morning... which means at least six more weeks of jury selection in the Michael Jackson trial.

Hillary Collapse Explanation
Experts say that dehydration is what led to Senator Hillary Clinton's collapse while giving a speech this week. Boy, you'd think she would have learned from Bill how much trouble you can get into when you lose fluids!

Pope Sick
The Vatican says Pope John Paul II is expected to recover, but will remain in the hospital for the time being. That will give the Pontiff time to recover, Catholics time to pray for him, and most importantly, American TV news networks time to come up with the right kind of solemn music and graphics to run with the story.

Not Real
It turns out the photograph of a U.S. "soldier" supposedly kidnapped by Iraqi insurgents was really just a picture of an action figure. Journalists covering the story should have realized it was phony because not every American soldier really has the Kung Fu grip.

When Can We Leave?
Iraq's President Ghazi al-Yawer says it would be "complete nonsense" to ask U.S. troops to leave the country now. That's especially since they still need to perfect that naked Iraqi prisoner pyramid routine in time for next year's Super Bowl halftime show.

Fighting Democracy
Insurgent groups in Iraq criticized the elections and vowed a "jihad" to stifle the fledgling democracy. But experts say the best way to stifle an American-style democracy is to hire lots of high-priced lobbyists.

Saudi Elections
While Iraq's election received most of the attention this week, Saudi Arabia had their first nationwide ballot for a municipal council. The Saudi royal family is expected to use the lack of publicity as an excuse to delay real democracy for another 150 years.

Sunni's Join In
Iraq's Interim Prime Minister Iyad Allawi says Sunni Arabs should be given a meaningful role in forming a new government. Actually, he's hoping they'll do that great naked pyramid routine during his inaugural celebrations.

Chirac's Thumbs Up
French President Jacques Chirac has called President Bush to congratulate him on the successful elections in Iraq. But now that the French are praising U.S. policy there, Bush is ordering a full withdrawal.

Saddam Sits Out
Saddam Hussein had the right to vote in the Iraqi elections, but refused to participate. Insiders say Saddam was probably just upset that his favorite candidates were knocked out much earlier in the Fallujah Caucuses.

Young Brains
A new study suggests that the region of the brain that inhibits risky behavior is not fully formed until age 25. That helps explain the high car crash rate among teenagers, college violence, and why so many 10-year olds still think it's okay to visit the Neverland Ranch.

Hooking Career
Celebrated German prostitute Molly Luft says job center advisers should tell unemployed Germans not to shy away from careers in prostitution... but only if they're unemployed politicians.