Newsday Alert!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" column in today's Newsday. Here's the link: Newsday

Top 5 Good Things about President Bush's Social Security Privatization Plan

5) Sure, investing in Wall Street is filled with hidden deadly risks, but how is that different from taking prescription drugs nowadays?

4) If you invest in Starbuck's now, maybe they'll give you a job there when you're 80!

3) Knowing that they're handling the precious retirement savings of millions of Americans will inject a new spirit of honesty and responsibility on Wall Street... just like it did in 1999

2) When you get too old for sex, worrying about the market will be your only excitement

1) Your kids may not call often enough, but your broker will when your account goes in arrears!

Bush on the Road
President Bush is taking his push for private Social Security investment accounts on the road today, starting with stops in North Dakota and Montana. Or in other words, the only two states in the Union where no one knows just how sleazy Wall Street is.

Bush Logic
President Bush says we need private Social Security savings accounts because in the coming years, there won't be enough younger people working to support all the baby boomer retirees. Of course he could try an alternate plan, like making sure there's more jobs for younger people in the future, but that would be downright crazy!

Martha & Donald
NBC says Martha Stewart will star in a new version of "The Apprentice" with Donald Trump as executive producer. Usually to find such powerful crooks and phonies working together, you have to go to a presidential campaign fundraiser.

Top 5 Tasks on the New Martha Stewart Version of "The Apprentice"

5) Cook the books

4) Avoid the federal investigator

3) Humiliate the subordinate

2) Make cheap crap for Kmart

1) Knit Donald better hair

Super Bowl Sprawl
The Super Bowl host city of Jacksonville, Florida is dealing with some major crowding this week. Hotel rooms are so scarce that Bernie Kerik is only able to bring half his mistresses!

Clinton Tsunami Relief
Bill Clinton has been named the UN Special Envoy for Tsunami relief, in hopes that he'll be able to convince countries to stick with reconstruction efforts even as media interest dies down. Clinton is the perfect choice, since he's stuck with Hillary even though his interest in her died down long ago.

Mideast Summit
Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon and Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas have accepted an invitation for a summit next week at an Egyptian resort. Well, Abbas has accepted an invitation to a summit, Sharon has accepted an invitation to the resort's "all you can eat" buffet.

Yogi Suit
Yogi Berra is suing TBS because he says some "Sex in the City" ads that use his face are ruining his religious image. That's opposed to the rest of us, who find that seeing Yogi's face ruins sex.

Jackson Case Testimony
Michael Jackson's ex-wife Debbie Rowe has agreed to testify against the pop star during his child molestation trial. But defense lawyers say that will violate the long-held legal rule of "husband and paid-off surrogate, phony, throwaway wife confidentiality."

Cell Phone Drivers
A new report shows that when teenage motorists talk on cell phones, they drive like elderly people... which is interesting because the only thing more annoying than an elderly driver is a teenager talking on a cell phone.

Prison Mail
A U.S. appeals court has ruled that prison officials cannot stop mail catalogs from reaching prisoners in jail. That decision should keep the Victoria's Secret models employed for the next 70 years.