Top 5 Reasons Carly Fiorina Quit as Hewlett-Packard CEO

5) Tired of people coming up to her and saying: "Hey, aren't you that chick from 'The Apprentice?"

4) HP was about to replace her with an Indian woman pretty soon anyway

3) She was the CEO, but most of the male board members still expected her to make coffee

2) Eliot Spitzer is ruining all the fun of being a corrupt executive

1) Tired of the daily paper jams in all the HP printers in her office

Bush Gets Frisky
During this past Sunday's church services, President Bush gave his wife a kiss, then patted her on the behind before shaking hands with all his fellow worshippers. This is a total reversal from President Clinton's policy, who used to shake hands with his wife before kissing and patting all his fellow worshippers on the behind.

Deep Throat Sick?
Several news organizations are reporting that the mysterious Watergate figure "Deep Throat," who helped bring down President Richard Nixon, is near death. But younger Americans are confused by this story, as they logically assume "Deep Throat" was responsible for Bill Clinton's downfall.

Oscar Deal
Under a new deal with the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences, ABC will broadcast the Academy Awards through 2014. Oh no, wait... that's just when this year's Oscar broadcast will finally be over.

Religious TV Show
Aidan Quinn will star in the new NBC drama "Book of Daniel," in which he plays a pastor addicted to prescription drugs. Well, that show will really help Hollywood's image in the red states!

Canseco's Accusations
Baseball stars Mark McGwire, Jason Giambi, and Rafael Palmeiro are all denying Jose Canseco's claims that they shared steroids with him. The denials make sense... everyone knows those guys never share!

Central Park Art
Work has begun on a massive public art project in New York City, where 7,500 bright orange gates will be set up throughout Central Park. Of course, most park users won't care what color they are as long as they can pee on them.

Budget Cutting
President Bush says his $2.57 trillion budget reduces and eliminates redundancy. But experts say if President Bush really wanted to eliminate redundancy he would quit since Dick Cheney is doing all his work anyway.