Thursday, February 10, 2005

Charles and Camilla
Prince Charles has announced he will marry long-time girlfriend Camilla Parker Bowles in April. The wedding will be the first royal event the paparazzi really won't want to photograph.

Phony White House Reporter
It turns out that a member of the White House press corps, who routinely asked President Bush "softball" questions, was a paid GOP operative using a phony name. The White House admits the man was a phony, but insists that with this President, there are no "softball" questions.

Top 5 Questions the Phony GOP-Paid Reporter asked President Bush at White House Press Conferences

5) "Mr. President, how do you do it?"

4) "Now that you've rid the world of that evil Saddam Hussein, is there anything you can't do?"

3) "Mr. President, why do you think all of our brave fighting men and women love you so much?"

2) "Sir, after drinking too much and fooling around with his secretary, Senator Kennedy criticized our efforts in Iraq. What do you say to that?"

1) "Mr. President, can I get the same deal as Armstrong Williams?"

Condi's Warning
Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice says Iran must move quickly to suspend its nuclear weapons program, but added the U.S. has set no deadline for Tehran to act. In other words, Iran shouldn't worry until President Bush's approval ratings dip below 50% again

Supreme Court Changes
The Supreme Court has shut down the barber-shop where the justices have had their hair cut since 1935. It's being replaced with a new facility where the justices can conveniently get their dialysis, chemotherapy, and arthritis therapy.

Virginia Pants Law
The Virginia House of Delegates has passed a bill authorizing a 50 dollar fine for anyone who publicly displays his or her underwear in "low-rider" jeans or pants. This is either an attack on teenage behavior, or a conservative attempt to get the gay Spongebob cartoon off the air.

Jewish Rock Hall
The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is suing three men who are establishing the Jewish Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, saying the public could confuse the two. The lawsuit is an example of legal abuse, and proof that the men should first build the Jewish Lawyers Hall of Fame.

Top 5 Planned Attractions at the Jewish Rock and Roll Hall of Fame

5) "Rock's Greatest Managers and Agents" exhibit

4) Billy Joel Bumper Cars

3) "They Could have Been Doctors, A Tribute to the Jewish Rockers' Moms"

2) Art Garfunkel Hair Styling Center

1) "David Lee Roth Bar Mitzvah CD"

Desperate Secret
Desperate Housewives star Marcia Cross is denying rumors that she is secretly a lesbian. She's also denying rumors that she is secretly an actress.

Feldman's Story
Speaking to reporters about the Michael Jackson trial, former child star Corey Feldman said he has a, "sickening realization that there have been many occurrences in my relationship to Michael that have created a question of doubt." His words are leading many experts to believe that Feldman may have been abused by Jackson, but not as badly as whomever taught him to speak English.

Apprentice Discrimination?
A St. Louis man with paralysis is suing the producers of "The Apprentice," saying they are unfairly discriminating against would-be contestants with disabilities. But the producers say they intend to make up for that by continuing to cast people with mental disabilities.


IF CNN's Rick Sanchez had Reported on the Major Stories of the 20th Century:

Crash of 1929

"Folks, If you're walking around Wall Street right now, look out for lots of executives jumping out of windows... Seriously, this could be very dangerous."

Hindenburg Disaster

"Well, I hate to burst your balloon... but we have a terrible disaster to tell you about this morning. HAHAHA"

Pearl Harbor

"They say loose lips sink ships... so I guess someone did a lot of talking... HAHAHA!"


"There's only one word for that kind of blast: 'wow'... just 'wow.'"

JFK Assassination

"Okay, let's slow down the Zapruder film just at the point where the bullet hits the President's head... YEOW!! You know that had to hurt!"

Moon Landing

"Boy, there's only one thing that could top this Daryn... man landing on the Sun."

Nixon Resigns

"You know what's funny Daryn?... I saw 'Deep Throat' like 6 times and I never saw anything that the President should resign over."

Israel-Egypt Peace Treaty

"Well, we finally did it... we'll never have to worry about Arab-Israeli violence again!"

Challenger Disaster

"You know what I can't get out of my mind Daryn?... You know that teacher subbing for Christa McCauliffe is probably thinking: 'Man, that could have been me!"

Oklahoma Bombing

"Let's not jump to conclusions about who's to blame here, Daryn... but my money is on those crazy Arabs"

Lewinsky Scandal

"I guess 'Deep Throat' struck again, huh? HAHAHA"


"Let's not jump to conclusions about who's to blame here, Daryn... but my money is on Timothy McVeigh"

More "If CNN's Rick Sanchez Covered the Big Events of the 20th Century"

Russian Revolution

"Well, I for one am not upset. I could never spell "Czar" correctly anyway. HAHAHAHA!"

Japan Surrenders

"Of course this is good news, Daryn. But you want to know what I'm worrying about right now... what are we gonna do with all those extra atomic bombs?"

Sound Barrier Broken

"With all due respect to Chuck Yeager... I think my kids break the sound barrier every night when they play those Dizzy Gillespie records. HAHAHAHAHA!"

State of Israel Born

"I know it's going to be called the Jewish State, Daryn... but I'm withholding judgment until I can get a decent Reuben Sandwich in Tel Aviv, know what I mean?"

Ike's Heart Attack

"I guess now we're just HALF a heartbeat away from having Dick Nixon as President, huh Daryn?"

Tet Offensive

"Boy the North Vietnamese really let us have it last night! And you know it's a shock, Daryn, because the folks at my local Chinese restaurant are usually NICER to me during the Lunar New Year. Man, go figure."

Patty Hearst Kidnapping

"You know what I don't understand Daryn?... Why isn't there also a Symbionese Liberation Navy?"

Gas Lines

"You know what could stop this problem of endless gas lines at the stations, Daryn? The oil companies could start delivering fuel direct to your home!"

Miracle on Ice

"Well, finally we all have something to make us feel good about being Americans again. But I'm concerned about the other side of this story... people in Russia and Finland probably really hate us right now."

First Shuttle Launch

"That's one impressive space vehicle folks... but what do you think the insurance is for that sucker? YEOW!"

2000 Election Mess

"Well, it looks like they're going to have to recount all the votes, county by county Daryn. It's a job even thought counting muppet from Sesame Street would find daunting, I'm sure."


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