Friday, February 11, 2005

North Korea Bomb
North Korea's announcement that it has nuclear weapons is forcing the world to ask some tough questions. The U.S. is wondering if it can destroy the arsenal, the UN is wondering if it can use diplomacy to neutralize the situation, and most of the North Korean people are wondering if they'll ever be able to have something to eat besides dirt.

Fiorina's Future
Now that she's been ousted as CEO of Hewlett-Packard, reports say Carly Fiorina may join the GOP and run for office. But after cutting thousands of jobs, depressing the stock market, and failing her supporters, Fiorina is probably too overqualified to be a Republican.

Top 5 Things Charles and Camilla are Doing to Prepare for Their Wedding

5) Scheduling emergency horse dentist appointments for Camilla

4) Finding world's largest cotton swabs for Charles' ears

3) Looking for new lovers to cheat on each other with after the wedding

2) Thinking of the best way to waste the British taxpayers' money on their Honeymoon

1) Making sure Prince Harry doesn't dress himself

Auto Insurance Rates
Auto insurance rates are expected to rise 1.5% this year, the smallest increase since 2001. That's thanks to fewer car thefts, safer vehicles, and the fact that Billy Joel now has a chauffeur.

Wal-Mart in NYC
Many New Yorkers are preparing to fight plans by Wal-Mart to open their first New York first store in Queens in 2008. But that's only because people in Queens don't need to go to the store to buy things made in China and India; they can get just get all that stuff sent to them by their relatives back home!

No Viagra
Republicans and Democrats in the House introduced a bill to prohibit Medicare from covering Viagra, saying taxpayers should not pick up the bill for seniors' sexual activities. That's funny, because we've been picking up the bill for all of Congress' sexual activities for decades.

Paris the Genie
Paris Hilton will play "I Dream of Jeannie" star Barbara Eden in the March 16 episode of "American Dreams." All of America is hoping she'll learn something from that role... like how to make herself disappear.

Tort Reform
The Senate has approved a bill that will make it harder for trial attorneys to file class action lawsuits. That's too bad, because filing class action lawsuits was the only time most lawyers had any class.


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