Monday, February 28, 2005

WEB ALERT!!! I have a new satirical story on The Fake News web site. Here's the link: The Fake News

Breaking News from Lebanon
Lebanon's Prime Minister has just resigned... but it's not clear if he's protesting the 29-year long Syrian occupation of his country or the 29-years Martin Scorsese's been waiting to get an Oscar.

Swank's Win
Hillary Swank has now won Best Actress Oscars for playing a boxer and a male impersonator. Apparently, the Academy only likes actresses when they're trying to be just like men.

Foxx's Grandma
Best Actor Jamie Foxx thanked his grandmother for "whupping me whenever I didn't act right." Most Americans are seeing his speech as an endorsement for corporeal punishment, and as a good excuse to beat the crap out of Ben Affleck.

Oscar Lessons
Here's what we've learned from last night's Oscars: the Academy loves emotional tear-jerkers, Martin Scorsese is a graceful loser, and Beyonce is the only working singer in Hollywood

Top 5 Signs Your Boy Scout Leader is the BTK Killer

5) Encourages you to help old ladies walk straight into traffic

4) Reminds you to be "trustworthy, obedient, and able to dig a shallow grave in less than 15 minutes"

3) Teaches you how to shoot deer, then how to write taunting letters to the deer's family

2) Only knot he teaches you to tie is a noose

1) Irons merit badges on your uniform... while you're still wearing it

Koko No-No
Three women have filed lawsuits claiming the caretaker for the sign-language-speaking gorilla Koko, pressured them to expose their breasts as a way to bond with the animal. Their lawyers say that kind of behavior should only be considered a requirement if you're working for Bill Clinton.


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