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Indo-Pakistani Agreement
After more than a year of talks, India and Pakistan have finally agreed to start a peaceful and safe bus route to and from Kashmir. Now the way is clear for India and Pakistan to start a safe and peaceful taxi route to LaGuardia.

Top 5 Real Reasons PBS President Pat Mitchell is Resigning

5) Controversial "Postcards from Buster" episode didn't turn as many girls into lesbians as her evil liberal bosses hoped

4) Snuffleupagus' fur kept shedding all over her office

3) Doesn't want to go through another rough contract negotiation with all of Elmo's lawyers again

2) Finally realized that 95% of the job is just stealing stuff from British TV

1) All those science shows really are boring

Hawk Love
Birdwatchers in New York say the famous 5th Avenue red-tailed hawks, Pale Male and Lola, have been mating every day, five times a day, for five seconds at a time. Most nature experts are impressed that the birds are able to copulate in an urban setting, and most women are impressed that the male hawk is lasting 2 seconds longer than their husbands.

Bush on Syria
President Bush says he doesn't know if Syria was involved in the assassination of Lebanon's former Prime Minister. But he promised to withhold judgment until he knows what the facts are, and finds out whether there are any Halliburton executives working in Syria.

NHL Dead
The National Hockey League has become the first major sports league in North America to lose an entire season because of a labor disagreement. That's opposed to the New York Rangers, who lost all of the last seven seasons because they suck.

Nanny Abuse
Scarlett Constance LeMay, a Manhattan dominatrix, is being sued by a former nanny who says she was abused and underpaid. LeMay denies any wrongdoing, especially since when she abuses people, they usually pay HER.

New Fines
Congress has passed a new bill boosting fines for on-air indecency to $500,000 per violation. Republicans are hoping the new rules clean up the airwaves, keep kids away from inappropriate material, and help fund the next few wars in the Middle East.

Alanis Citizenship
Canadian singer Alanis Morissette officially became an U.S. citizen this week... once again proving that NAFTA has failed to protect the American people.