Thursday, February 17, 2005

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" column in today's Newsday. Here's the link: Newsday

No Hockey
The NHL canceled its entire season yesterday. For the NHL to have a season next year, it'll have to settle the salary cap issue... and then find someone who actually still gives a damn about hockey.

No J. Lo
Jennifer Lopez is canceling her European concert tour because she's too sick to leave Los Angeles. To get back on stage, J. Lo will have to fully recover... and find someone who actually still gives a damn about J. Lo.

Top 5 Things New Intelligence Chief Nominee John Negroponte will Do Immediately

5) Find out who in the White House leaked Valerie Plame's identity as a CIA agent to the press... but then only tell Robert Novak

4) Have the CIA waste time spying on the FBI, and the FBI waste time spying on the CIA... oh, wait they do that already!

3) Prepare for next terrorist attack by quickly setting up another round of hearings on Capitol Hill

2) Find out how the hell Ashlee Simpson is making money as a singer

1) Dig up dirt on any Senators who may not vote to confirm him

Leak Reporters Threatened
An appeals court says New York Times reporter Judith Miller and Time Magazine reporter Matthew Cooper should be jailed unless they reveal who told them the name of a covert CIA operative. But the justices excluded columnist Robert Novak from the ruling, because considering what goes on in most prisons, Novak probably wouldn't see it as a punishment.

North Korea Deal
A Pentagon official says the U.S. will still pay North Korea $5 million to recover more remains of G.I.'s missing from the Korean War, despite rising tensions over the country's nuclear program. U.S. diplomats are hoping that North Korea will learn that to get what it wants, it shouldn't build more nukes, it should just kill more American soldiers.

Top 5 Reasons Laura Bush Fired the White House Chef

5) His healthy meals frequently made her too alert and energized to keep shutting up like she's told

4) Took the blame for the President's "pretzel difficulties"

3) Refused to serve ribs for breakfast

2) Never agreed with the whole "Freedom Fries" name change thing

1) Forgot to cut the crust off of the President's peanut butter and jelly sandwiches one too many times

School Closings
The New York Archdiocese has announced it's closing more catholic schools. It's getting so bad, soon the only place kids will get molested is the Neverland Ranch.

Searching for Janis
Janis Joplin's estate has announced "Search for the Pearl," a reality TV talent search to find the next Janis Joplin. All potential contestants are advised to start drinking now.

Hawks Mating
The pair of red-tailed hawks who were evicted from and then brought back to a ritzy Fifth Avenue apartment building last year, have been spotted mating. Their actions prove that the building's co-op board caved in to their demands for family health insurance before they agreed to return.


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