Jackson Flu
Michael Jackson fell ill and was taken to the emergency room on his way to the courtroom yesterday. His lawyers were hoping the incident would create sympathy for their client, until it came out that Jackson kept demanding to be taken to the children's hospital.

Missile Test Failure
A test of the national ballistic missile defense system failed again this week. The Interceptor Missile did not come out of its silo and recognize its target... but at least this means we'll have an early spring!

Top 5 Reasons the Pentagon Wants to Replace U.S. Troops with Robots

5) Machines making those "Support the Troops" car magnets will feel closer to the soldiers

4) Robots are 22% less likely to be gay

3) Someone's got to take all the unused robot parts off of Halliburton's hands!

2) Great photo-op every Thanksgiving when President Bush will personally give combat robots an oil change

1) Fighting with robots will make killing people fun again!

Enhancement Lawsuit
A New Jersey man claims penis-enlargement pills he bought didn't work, and he's filing a multi-million dollar lawsuit. The manufacturer is shocked... not because it believes in the pill, but because it thought it was safe to assume that no man in the world would be willing to tell everyone he has a small penis.

Top 5 Bloomberg Re-Election Campaign Slogans

5) "Bloomberg: A New York Billionaire with Real Ideas... and Real Hair!"

4) "Bloomberg: The Only Candidate with the Courage to be For AND Against Gay Marriage at the Same Time!"

3) "Bloomberg: His Police Commissioner Only Has 1 Mistress!"

2) "Bloomberg: Saving the Jets from New Jersey"

1) "Bloomberg: What, Like the Rich Don't Run this City Anyway?"

Subway Promotion
"S" trains on the New York City subway will soon be redecorated to look like western saloons as part of a promotion for the new season of HBO's "Deadwood." There will be wood-paneled seats and faux cushions, but riders can continue to use the floor as a spittoon.

Teacher-Student Wedding Registry
Mary Kay Letourneau and her former student, Vili Fualaau, have signed up with Macy's online bridal registry. Mary Kay's list asks for a floral pattern bedding set, and Vili is asking for the "Star Wars" pattern.

No News
A new report says most local TV news programs have abandoned all coverage of local politics and issues in favor of more celebrity stories and gossip. The broadcasters say the only solution is to get more celebrities to run for office.