WEB ALERTS!! I have two new satirical stories published on the Web today. Here are the links: The Fake News
and The Enduring Vision

AND DON'T FORGET to check out my Johnny Carson monologue site at: Johnny Carson Site

Paris Hilton's Blackberry Hacked
Paris Hilton's Blackberry has been hacked, meaning almost anyone can see the dozens of celebrity phone numbers stored there. But it's hard to figure out what's more embarrassing for a celebrity; having your private phone number splashed all over the web, or having the entire world find out that you gave Paris Hilton your phone number.

Iraqi Front-Runner
Ibrahim al-Jaafari emerged today as the leading candidate for Iraqi prime minister, shocking most Americans who only remember him as the bad guy from "Aladdin."

Recruiting Gays
Britain's navy has begun a campaign to actively recruit gays... which will make things awkward when it finds out most of Britain's gays are already enlisted in the navy.

Top 5 Slogans Used to Get New York City the 2012 Summer Games

5) New York 2012: Don't worry, nobody else speaks English here either!

4) New York 2012: Ride the subways and see just how unnecessary all that money you gave the terrorists really is

3) New York 2012: Give us the games, or we'll stop taking all your country's rejects

2) New York 2012: We can't control the crack problem, so your athletes won't have any trouble sneaking in steroids

1) New York 2012: Don't worry, President Bush & Mayor Bloomberg will be gone by then

Winn-Dixie Broke
The Winn-Dixie supermarket chain filed for bankruptcy today. Experts say the company was hurt by competition from Wal-Mart, rising prices, and it's continuing futile support for the Confederacy.

Iraq Visit
5 U.S. Senators are visiting Iraq on a fact-finding mission this week. It's a dangerous trip, because exposing the Iraqi people to members of Congress could derail the fledging democracy before it starts.

Bereavement Fare Phase-Out
More major airlines are phasing out discounted fares to close relatives of the dead and dying. The practice not only marks the end of one of the few examples of corporate compassion, but it also eliminates the best damn way for college kids to get to Florida for spring break!

Israel's Nukes
As the United States continues to pressure Iran to drop its nuclear weapons program, many are asking why no one is forcing Israel to give up its nukes. The reason is all of Israel's enemies already look like they've been hit by a nuclear bomb anyway.

Nato Praise
President Bush is praising NATO as a strong military entity in Europe. The alliance is well-equipped, well-fed, and thanks to all of Bush's unilateral wars, well-rested.

"Fever" Disco Floor
The disco floor that John Travolta danced across in "Saturday Night Fever" has been saved from a doomed Brooklyn nightclub and will be auctioned off. The bell-bottoms he wore are already being used as the wind socks at JFK Airport.