Thursday, February 24, 2005

Newsday Alert!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" column in today's Newsday. Here's the link: Newsday

Martha Back as CEO?
Martha Stewart's attorneys are trying to have her cleared to return as CEO of her company when she gets out of jail next week. Her lawyers are making the compelling argument that after 5 months in jail, Stewart is now more qualified than ever to lead an American corporation.

Top 5 Things Overheard During the Bush-Putin Summit

5) "Mr. President, my people don't understand you... not because of the Iraq war, but because you quit drinking"

4) "Okay Vladimir, it works like this: You keep sending uranium to Iran, and then I get another reason to invade somebody!"

3) "Congratulations on your re-election Mr. President, but why didn't you just poison Mr. Kerry with dioxin?"

2) "I like how you just put all your journalists in jail... in America we have to 'leak' them illegal information first."

1) "I'm not getting fresh Vladimir, I'm just trying to get a new sense of your soul."

Healthcare Costs
A new study says America's tab for health care — already the highest in the world — will hit $3.6 trillion by 2014... and that's not even counting all the plastic surgeries Joan Rivers is going to have!

Social Security Road Show
Republican lawmakers are going on the road to sell President Bush's Social Security plan. Experts say the trips really are the best thing for the future of the program, because now the Congressmen are too busy to steal money from Social Security.

Jacko Jury
Experts say the jury seated in the Michael Jackson trial could be very favorable to the pop star. That's because four of them are fans of his music, one of them has a grandson who was convicted of a sexual offense, and five of them don't actually scream in horror whenever they see his face.

New Palestinian Cabinet
The Palestinian parliament has approved a new 24-member Cabinet, half of whom have doctoral degrees... proving once again that if you want to find people who really hate Israel, you have to go to the universities.

Carmen's Advice
Actress Carmen Electra says losing her virginity in the back seat of a car in Cincinnati when she was 16 was "not glamorous." But it's not clear if she said that to promote teen abstinence or to warn people about Cincinnati.

Arnold's Poll Numbers
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger's poll numbers have been slipping... but it's not clear if it's because of California's economic woes or the release of "Terminator 3" on DVD.

Portman Chased
An angry mob chased and cursed actress Natalie Portman after she filmed a love scene at the holy Western Wall in Jerusalem yesterday. It's not clear if the people were angry about her disrespect for the Jewish shrine or if they were just upset about those crappy new Star Wars movies.


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