Monday, June 30, 2008

Food Shipment
A U.S. ship carrying thousands of tons of food aid has arrived in North Korea... which should be just enough to feed the men working on rebuilding the country's nuclear weapons program.

D.C. Bike Rental
Washington, D.C. has become the first U.S. city to rent bikes to the public. Couple that with the recent removal of the D.C. handgun ban, and experts predict a 750% increase in "bike-by shootings" by 2009.

Actors Strike?
Kelly Preston and Josie Bisset are speaking out as a possible actors strike looms over Hollywood. Preston and Bisset were chosen as spokespeople since their careers have already been on strike for the last 15 years.

Wal-Mart Change
Wal-Mart is planning to change its logo; opting for what it calls a more "authentic design." Of course to be most authentic, the logo will have to be in Chinese.

Minnesota Wildlife
Bison are once again roaming the plains of Minnesota. With these gas prices, they can't afford to drive.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Mexican Gas Rush
Thousands of Californians are heading to Mexico to buy cheaper gas. Who knew we'd have to build the border fence to keep our people in?

Reactor Destroyed
As part of a disarmament deal, North Korea destroyed a nuclear reactor today. But this is North Korea, so it's acutally not clear if it didn't just crumble on its own.

Bank of America Job Cuts
The bad news is that Bank of America says it will lay off 7,500 people in the coming year. The worse news is that all of those people plan to find new jobs as oil speculators.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and with TWO jokes! Here's the link: Newsday

Sanctions Eased
The U.S. is lifting some sanctions against North Korea. It's great news for North Korean leader Kim Jong Il who during the sanctions has only been able to buy clothes and glasses from elderly Jews in Miami.

Chrysler Wi-Fi
Chrysler will offer Wi-Fi Internet service in all of its vehicles this year... buyers who get connected to the service will thus be among the first to learn of Chrysler's inevitable bankruptcy.

Unhappy Owners
The latest J.D. Powers and Associates survey shows drivers of new cars are less satisfied with their vehicles than they've been for five years... mostly because they haven't been able to afford actually using their cars for the last two months.

Cooper on Zimbabwe
CNN's Anderson Cooper is calling the situation in Zimbabwe "disgusting"... mostly because he's been in the country for two weeks and still can't find even one Pinkberry.

Locklear in Rehab
Heather Locklear has checked into an Arizona mental hospital. Wait, she's been married to Tommy Lee and Richie Sambora and she only realized she's crazy NOW?

Oil Spill Ruling
The Supreme Court has reduced to $500 million what had once been a $5 billion judgment against Exxon Mobil for the Valdez oil spill. Of course, the victims of the oil spill will end up using most of that $500 million to buy $4 gas from Exxon.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Nader on Obama
Ralph Nader says Barack Obama is doing well in the polls because he's mining "white guilt." That's opposed to Nader, who has only been mining white nausea for 20 years.

Cheap Air Fare
Spirit Airlines is announcing a $69 roundtrip fare from New York to Bogota, Colombia... but for those passengers unwilling to smuggle cocaine, the fare is $369.

Iran Threat?
Iran says it will launch a nuclear attack against the West if its nuclear sites are attacked. But it's not clear if that statement was meant to deter or encourage an attack against Iran.

Credit Card Case
Mastercard has agreed to pay American Express $1.8 billion to settle an antitrust case. Mastercard is using Mastercard to make the payment, so it won't have this totally paid off until the year 2150.

Mastercard has agreed to pay American Express $1.8 billion to settle an antitrust case. Ironically, Mastercard was forced to make the payment in cash since American Express does not take Mastercard, Visa or American Express.

Parker Stuffs
WNBA rookie Candace Parker shocked the fans again when she dunked for the second consecutive game last night. NBA fans were similarly shocked when Nuggets star Carmelo Anthony showed up on time for his DUI hearing.

Naked Cowboy Suit
A New York court has ruled that the Times Square guitarist known as the "Naked Cowboy" can proceed with his trademark infringement lawsuit against M&M's. But there's no word yet on whether Haines, Jockey and Fruit of the Loom can sue the Naked Cowboy for defamation.

Help Hillary
Barack Obama is asking his top contributors to help Hillary Clinton pay her campaign debts. This is in addition to the Clinton campaign's request asking that Obama lend Hillary a clue.

Barack Obama is asking his top contributors to help Hillary Clinton pay her campaign debts. Well, at least it's a step up from donating to help the Clintons pay their criminal defense bills.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Clinton Promise
Former President Bill Clinton now says he is willing to do whatever he can to help Barack Obama become president… so the Obama team is asking him to campaign for John McCain.

Pregnancy Pact
Several girls at a Massachusetts high school have joined a "pregnancy pact," deciding to deliberately get pregnant at the same time. Man, what some kids won't do to get out of gym class.

Cleveland Clinic Evacuations
A natural gas leak on the campus of the Cleveland Clinic has resulted in mass evacuations. But the patients are having trouble winding their way through the massive crowds rushing toward the hospital trying to grab free gas.

Pirate Attack
Officials say pirates have kidnapped three Germans and a French citizen off the coast of Somalia. It's the 17th such attack since Disneyland made those Pirates of the Caribbean layoffs last month.

Palestinian Rocket Attack
Two rockets were fired into Israel from the Gaza Strip this morning, ending the cease fire agreement that went into effect on Friday. The news shocked experts who can't believe the cease fire lasted this long.

Iranian Threat
Iranian military commanders are promising a "severe response" if Iran is attacked by the U.S. or Israel. The first thing they're going to do is get boots that don't make everyone laugh at them so much.

Iranian military commanders are promising a "severe response" if Iran is attacked by the U.S. or Israel. And that response will be: "HELP!!!"

Iranian military commanders are promising a "severe response" if Iran is attacked by the U.S. or Israel. By "severe response" they mean whining to the U.N. a little louder than usual.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Carlin Dies
Irreverant comedian George Carlin has died at age 71. He is currently doing a set in Heaven convincing God that He doesn't really exist.

Mugabe in the Clear
The opposition has pulled out of the run-off election against Zimbabwe's President Robert Mugabe... stunning the Mugabe campaign that had made the generous offer to conduct 10-15 town hall executions.

Anna's Drawers
Anna Nicole Smith's former boyfriend Larry Birkhead paid nearly $3,000 for some of Smith's lingerie at a Las Vegas auction. It was a surprising development, since Birkhead often spends much more for the lingerie he usually wears.

Anna's Drawers II
Anna Nicole Smith's former boyfriend Larry Birkhead paid nearly $3,000 for some of Smith's lingerie at a Las Vegas auction. Of course the items went for so much because they included expensive custom made implant explosion guards in each bra.

McCain's promise
In the midst of the oil crisis, John McCain says his administration would offer a $300 million prize for development of a more powerful battery that would not only power hybrid vehicles, but also somehow be able to keep him alive for another eight years.

Iraq Success
Bomb attacks and fatalities in Iraq are down by almost 90% over the last year... with these gas prices, it costs too much to drive to the target.

No Band Tours
Dozens of up-and-coming indie rock bands will have to cancel their summer tours because of gas prices... and you thought $4 gas was a bad thing.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Joint Appearance
Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama will make a joint public appearance next week... which means the snipers she hired to kill him will have to be extra careful when Hillary and Obama stand close together.

Offshore Drilling
President Bush and John McCain are ignoring environmental concerns and now support lifting most bans on offshore drilling. Most Americans support the plan since they can't afford to drive to the beach anymore anyway.

Fuel Speeding Chare
Drivers caught speeding in an Atlanta suburb now have to pay an extra $12 police department gas surcharge. That's over and above the $4 coffee and donut surcharge.

Bounced Check Fees Rise
More U.S. banks are increasing bounced check fees. Chase Bank is now charging $34, Bank of America's new fee is $25, and hoping to avoid bankruptcy Lehman Brothers is charging $17 million.

Not Looking to be VP
Former presidential candidate Mike Huckabee says he's not actively seeking the vice presidential job... of course Huckabee isn't actively doing anything else either.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Willie Fired
The Mets fired manager Willie Randolph just after 3AM Tuesday. The team chose that time to accommodate most Mets fans who haven't been able to sleep since last September anyway.

Sir William
Queen Elizabeth made Prince William a Knight of the Garter last night. Gee, I wonder who he had to know to get that deal!

Queen Elizabeth made Prince William a Knight of the Garter last night. It's the least she could do after making him dress like that for the entire evening.

Gore Backs Obama
Al Gore has decided to endorse Barack Obama for president. His second choice was a solar-powered garbage disposal.

Sex Offender Nabbed
The good news is U.S. Marshals caught a repeated sex offender after a highway chase in Georgia with speeds sometimes exceeding 95 mph. The bad news is they spent so much on gas the government can no longer afford to prosecute him.

Killer Couple
A couple accused of killing their 13-year-old son by tying him to a tree will face charges of murder and felony child abuse... if their lucky enough to avoid being lynched by local environmental groups for possibly damaging the tree.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Saudi Announcement
Saudi Arabia plans to increase its oil production by 200,000 barrels a day... which should be just enough to power the factories now working overtime to produce $5 price signs for filling stations across the country.

Russert Honored
NBC honored Tim Russert by having an empty chair on the set of "Meet the Press" Sunday... similar to past shows when Russert has interviewed Barack Obama's empty suit.

Iowa Floods
Much of Iowa remains under water as flooding continues in several cities. I wonder what Hillary Clinton will do to the other states that voted for Barack Obama?

Bank Robbery Spike
Bank robberies are way up in America this year, but police are making a lot more arrests since no one can afford to gas up their getaway car.

Tough Choice?
Last night's Tony Awards broadcast was on the air at the same time as Game 5 of the NBA Finals; presenting an agonizing choice for the two men in America actually interested in both.

Hydrogen Honda
Honda's new hydrogen fuel cell car, the FCX Clarity is now being produced. The vehicle can get up to 500 miles per tank, but unfortunately the two hydrogen fuel filling stations in America are 600 miles apart.